Baseball, etc.

On the eve of Opening Day, I found myself musing, "How great would it be if my favorite team and my friends' favorite team somehow managed to drag themselves through their respective leagues and meet in the World Series?" I immediately answered my own question, saying, "Uh, really cool."
Is it really that impossible to imagine that the Rockies and the Twins would meet in the World Series? Some say yes, and to them I say, "Suck it." I admit it might be improbable. But impossible? No way.
Rather than back up my argument with a single statistic, analysis or expert opinion, I'm just going to assume that I'm correct and go on with a discussion of how cool it would be to see these squads go head to head for all the marbles. Please find below my analysis on this hypothetical match-up based on a few categories, including: deserving, home city, star player, and--most important--impact on me, personally.

1) Deserving
Both these cities need the Series to keep their hopes up. October is a rough time in Denver and Minneapolis. It's too early to ski in Colorado, too early to ice fish in Minnesota. Coloradans are tired of the mountains, Minnesotans are tired of the lakes. A little baseball would do these folks some good. Another disastrous first-round exit similar to last seasons would be the ultimate trigger in a relapse to the self-pity/self-loathing fans of both these long suffering clubs have grown all too accustomed to.
Edge: Even

2) Home City
Both these teams hail from cities that are pretty awesome. However, neither city proves to be sensationally overwhelming. In fact, Denver and Minneapolis are both enigmas in the sense that they are totally rad cities that are remarkably undistinguished. Check out this side-by-side skyline comparison.

I bet that Beechnut can't even tell the difference at first blush. Seriously, these are both just regular, decent-sized cities with good culture and local scene. They both have their fair share of tall buildings and a lot of suburbs with names like "Roseville" or "Arapaho". Really, it's hard to hate one more than the other. They're both just kind of there.
Edge: Even

3) Star Player
Here we see a head to head contest of two erstwhile titans of the diamond. I'm talking, of course, about the Twins and Rockies respective star players Joe Mauer and Todd Helton. This may be the most enticing section of this post, seeing that Helton and Mauer don't really have that much in common. Mauer just signed a contract worth $184 million, while Helton just renewed his for two years to the tune of a cool $2 mil. On the other hand, Todd rocks a banging goatee, while Joe can't grow facial hair. Words are failing me. Let's go to the photos.

Here we see Joe Mauer on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

While here we see Todd Helton moments after being told that there is free beer after every Rockies win.

This is a picture of Joe Mauer's girlfriend.

This is a picture of Todd Helton's breakfast.

The decison here boils down to the same deciding factor most of my decisions come to: who would I rather party with? Well, the answer leaves us split again. I just can't decide which one of these dudes is more awesome. For the record, Joe Mauer for the hot chicks, Todd Helton for the beer bongs and Kraft mac and cheese.
This one is too close to call.
Edge: Even

4) Impact On Me, Personally

Once again, I find myself with a conundrum on my hands. Originally, I thought that nothing would make me happier than seeing the Rox capture the title. Then, I realized my ratio of friends that are Rockies fans to friends that are Twins fans is something like 5 to 18. As great as it would be to celebrate a Rockies victory with five of my friends, it would also be great to not have 18 of my friends bitching and moping around until the Vikings win a few games. So, while my heart is in it for the Rockies, the rest of me--the part that goes to the bar--says the Twins can keep more people in high spirits.
Edge: Even

Well, damn it, folks it looks like I have produced absolutely nothing of conviction or worth. I have left you with a product that wasted my time writing it and your time reading it, and, collectively, we are all slightly less better off than we used to be.

But, hey, what else is new?


  1. You have produced proof that they are both mediocre and that they should both be relegated to the minors. Go Sox

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  3. what i said was - its all about the Rangers, and you all suck