"Dead lovers salivate,
broken hearts tessellate tonight"

-dave monks

Something To Look At


The Bulleted List, August 30

Accessories That Instantly Rob You of Credibility

  • Jean shorts (carpenter style punishable by death)
  • Physics textbook
  • Mike's Hard anything
  • Skechers
  • Iowa driver's license
  • Transition lenses
  • Hollister t-shirt
  • Axe body spray
  • V-card

THE Songs of the 2000s...according to me.

Most of these 11 songs are based on three things:

A. How much do I enjoy the song personally.
B. How much 'cultural relevance' has the song held in the past 10 years.
C. How musically inclined is the song (is the song an intricate piece or is it "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's?)

10. "The Underdog" - Spoon/"Paper Planes" - M.I.A. Some may not be thrilled with me splitting my "10" spot, but who gives a shit? I just had way too hard of a time trying to choose one of these over the other. Though very different, both of these songs are fantastic. From start to finish, "The Underdog" has excitement in the sounds of both the guitar, drums, and horns. You have to love the horns and I love that they have a bari sax. That's just cool. When the horns come in, you feel a warm feeling just come about and that's the feeling that this song does so well. As for "Paper Planes", there is a lot that can be said about this song. The baseline has a constant beat that is just really easy to feel, then with the snaps and the synth that carries through this is just a fantastic song. M.I.A. really brought something fresh to the table with this song. Not only was it a gateway for "mnstrmrs" to come over get a taste of some good music, but it really way a fresh, innovative take on hit hip-hop song.

The Underdog - Spoon
Paper Planes - M.I.A.

9. "Jesus, Etc" - Wilco. Everything about this song is smooth. As soon as it starts, it just has a crazy smooth soothing sound with the great keyboard chords, the steady trap beat and of course the amazing violin part throughout the song. The intricate fiddling parts of the violin songs sound so good as a healthy balance to the sailing violin part. As far as the lyrics go, you really don't even to need to have heard this song before to know that the lyrics are cool. With a name like "Jesus, Etc", it had to have great lyrics. This is my favorite Wilco song easily. Jeff Tweedy really wrote a heartfelt tune with this one, "Our love is all we have".

Jesus, Etc - Wilco

8. "High And Dry" - Radiohead. This "Old Radiohead's" best song. If you listen to Radiohead, you know what I mean. This song, for me, defines how very talented Radiohead really is. This song is not really what I would call a prototypical Radiohead song, and you know what, that's alright. Actually, it's what makes it so cool. That's not to say this "type" is better or worse, it's just different. This is just really great, well written, relatable song. "They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out."

High And Dry - Radiohead.

7. "Touch The Sky (ft. Lupe Fiasco)" - Kanye West. Kanye West, love him or hate him, the guy puts out some pretty ridiculously good music. This is not only one of my personal favorites from Mr. West, but when I hear this song I just want to bust a move. I'm a sucker for horns so naturally I love the horns playing the main melody. Kanye does things like this better than anyone in hip-hop or rap. He takes the best of both worlds in making dope beats and then using classical instruments such as horns and strings to really bring a lot real mass to his music. He is also one of the best persons in music this day in age when it comes to sampling, maybe the best. For this track, he did a wonderful sample of Curtis Mayfield's "Move On Up". Another notable would definitely be "Stronger" when Kanye sampled Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger". This track also introduced one of my favorite rappers today in Lupe Fiasco. Kanye gives Lupe the final verse in his tune, and young Lupe does not disappoint. I guess you could say the Kanye has an eye for talent. He may very well be our generation's most culturally relevant artist.

Touch The Sky (ft. Lupe Fiasco) - Kanye West

6. "Wake Up" - Arcade Fire. "If the children don’t grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up." I remember the first time I listened to Funeral, to say I didn't fully appreciate it was very much so an understatement. This song is pure bliss. It is an anthem for childhood and youth. It takes me back and really makes me feel sentimental every time I hear. It was appropriately picked out to be used in the theatrical trailer for Where The Wild Things Are. Though the hipster status of the song has gone up tremendously since the trailer was released. It speaks much higher volumes than just that though. This song is a cry out for help from a child who doesn't understand and just doesn't want to grow up because they love their youth. Musically speaking, this song is absolutely incredible. It has one of the most brilliant transitions in a song I have ever heard about 2/3 of the way through. It is just an amazingly cool sound. Right from the start with the guitar part, and the ailing voices in the chorus line that sound like children pleaing with time to stop making them older, and then of course after the transition there is the melodic sound of xylophones and glockenspiels that take you back to an ageless, no worries state of mind.

Wake Up - Arcade Fire

5. "Roses" - Outkast. That goddam Caroline. I absolutely love this song. Everything about this song is just flat out cool. People may not agree on my choice of Outkast song, but this song is pretty much the tits. I feel like most Outkast picks would be "B.O.B." and "Ms. Jackson." Outkast is the ultimate combination of rap/hip-hop/jazz. This track is a great dance jam, extremely relatable and very culturally relevant. "Yo shit don't stank" is just one of the many lines that Andre 3000 has made cool. "She's the reason for the word, bitch." Damn Andre, what the hell did that "crazy bitch" do to you? Think she regrets it?

Roses - Outkast

4. "Digital Love" - Daft Punk. This song is a love song. Whenever I hear this song, no matter where I'm at, I have hard time not dropping everything I'm doing or thinking about and just start dancing. I love this song. It holds a bit of sentimental value for me. Maybe you can relate, maybe you can't, but if you can then you know exactly why this song is #4 on my list. When this song is played and done, I can't help but feel a bit of nostalgia to hear it 'one more time'.

Digital Love - Daft Punk

3. "Postcards From Italy" - Beirut. Zach Condon is the most impressive singer/songwriter/composer/instrumentalist of our generation. A mere 23 years old, his track record is impressive to say the least. His voice, rich in sound, hauntingly carries across the accompaniment of ukulele with blends lustrous melodies coming from the piano, trap, and of course, the horns. The horns really capture the essence of this song. The hook where the song transitions into a horn duet with the soft accompaniment of the ukulele until Zach's haunting voice comes back in truly shows off the capabilities yet regularities of the horns in Beirut. The lyrics of this song literally give me goosebumps. Beautifully written in a poetic manner, the words, soft, hold such heartfelt longing. "And I would love to see that day, her day was mine." This beautifully written masterpiece that should be experienced by all.

Postcards From Italy - Beirut

2. "Fireworks" - Animal Collective. Euphoria. State of feeling when listening to "Fireworks" by Animal Collective. To quote Carles of HRO, "Animal Collective is a Band Created By/For/On the Internet". Hate them or love them, this is true and we live in an internet time of age. This song is similar for me to "Wake Up" by Arcade Fire in that it takes me back to a childhood state of mind yet different because unlike "Wake Up", "Fireworks" makes me want to jump up and down, yell, and throw things, like I'm four years old again. And that's a good thing. I could literally listen to this song on repeat all day. I have a newfound appreciation for this song after watching 15 minute long version at Lollapalooza, jumping up and down hysterically for the entirety while sweating my balls off. And it was the best 15 minutes ever.

Fireworks - Animal Collective

1. "Twilight" - Elliott Smith. Having discovered Elliott Smith about two months before he died, I never had the chance to see him live. This is one of my top "if you could turn back time's" and will be forever. Most people will not/wouldn't agree with this pick and frankly I don't care. The amount of sentimental value that lies with me in Elliott Smith's music is far too vast and means so much to me personally that I had to put this song as my number 1. I really honestly believe that Elliott Smith is the singer/songwriter of our generation. Some of his work just amazes. Not only was a quill-man of songwriting, his guitar skills were off the chart. He also had easily recognizable, whispery-thin vocals that send shivers down my back. I really do feel that I have a valid case for making this my number 1 pick on my list. If you have never heard this song before, then you may not have the appreciation for the accolades I give it, but please take my word in that you will not regret taking 4.5 minutes to listen to this song. Even if you have heard this song before, take another listen and enjoy his mastery again. Here is a link for to the lyrics. R.I.P. Elliott (10/21/03). XO.

Twilight - Elliott Smith

"Twilight" live version

Please feel free to comment on this list and leave your feedback on great/terrible you think this list is. I can take the heat, trust me.


Pistol Pete's Top Ten Tracks of the 2000s

Here is my list. My favorite songs of the decade. GO.

10.Sum 41- Fat Lip- Whenever this song blast through the speakers, I can’t resist the urge to turn back into a wannabe hardcore badass. To say it is a guilty pleasure is an understatement. I head bang I scream and basically lose my shit. “But what would you expect with a conscience so small"

9.UGK featuring Outkast- Int. Players Anthem- Andre 3000 injects a style and personality into this track, which along with brilliant lyrics and its old school beat make it legendary. “I know you ain’t a pimp but pimp remember what I taught ya”

8.Animal Collective- Fireworks- This crazy group’s ability to work so many different sounds into a cohesive beat amazes me all the time. Fireworks is like a sound track of my weirdest and wildest dreams. “Now it's day and I've been trying to get that taste off my tongue”

7.Kanye West- Through the Wire- This song was the first I heard of the now beloved Mr. West. This track, recorded after an accident that almost ended his career before it started, is the definition of raw and I love every bit of it. “Unbreakable what you think they call me Mr. Glass”

6.The Decemberists- Los Angeles Im Yours-From the day I heard this song it has stuck with me. This is not their best song but its strange lyrics and airy melody make me oddly happy. “An oceans garbled vomit on the shore, Los Angeles, Im yours”

5.The Roots featuring Cody Chestnut- The Seed 2.0- The Seed 2.0, a remix to Cody Chesnutts original sexy jam. This is the definition of The Roots rap/rock style with Cody Chesnutt’s cocky playa lyrics making this an instant classic. "If Mary drops my baby girl tonight, Ima name her rock and roll."

4.Arcade Fire- Wake Up- I love Arcade Fire. Nostalgia is the one word that comes to mind when I think of this song. The fact that that it is in the trailer for Where the Wild Things Are only helps its case. Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.”

3.Daft Punk- One More Time- Highest Energy Song I have ever heard bar none. Daft opened the door for electronic music to enter the popular scene and this song helped cement their legacy. Celebrate and dance are free

2.Elliot Smith Twilight- Elliot Smith is my favorite artist of this generation. I owe alejandropablo big time for introducing to this greatness. “Because your candle burns too bright, I almost forgot it was twilight.”

1. Dr Dre- Next Episode- The greatest rap song in history. Dr Dre’s sick beat, Snoops smooth flow, and Timbalands…Hold Ups. I feel like a man who has brought the world the likes of Eminem and 50 cent deserves the number one spot. “Takin chances while we dancin in the party fo' sho', Slip my hoe a forty-fo' and she got in the back do'

Hope you enjoyed. Music over Bitches


Taken By Trees Covers Animal Collective

Hate them or love them, Animal Collective is in the now. I find that part of their appeal is that there hasn't and still isn't anything like them really. They are near impossible to cover, until now. Victoria Bergsman aka Taken By Trees does a fantastic cover from one of Merriweather Post Pavillion's finest, but appropriately renaming it "My Boys" (as opposed to the original, "My Girls"). Though the name is different, everyone still wants adobe slabs.

Stronghand's Songs of the Decade

Looks like it's my turn today so here goes nothing. Selecting these was an interesting process. I'll try to explain why I picked each (at least a little) and why it deserves a spot here. Ordering these was really hard, and doesn't mean all that much. They all kick ass and putting one over the other was tough. Any who, here we go:

10: "Rock Star-Poser" by N.E.R.D. (2002)
How awesome this song is seems to be justification enough for me, but it was also the coming out party of Pharrell, who had already (and continues to) influence music by being an insanely talented producer. He has produced hits for a wide array of artists, from Britney Spears ("I'm a Slave 4 U") to Ludacris ("Southern Hospitality").

9: "15 Step" by Radiohead (2007)
When Radiohead decided to release "In Rainbows" on their website for however much you wanted to pay for it, without major label support, I figured the album probably represented a drop-off in quality. Then, once I picked it up for $1 on the interweb and played the first song ("15 step"), I immediately knew how wrong I was. This song has some of the coolest percussion I have ever heard, and Thom Yorke's hectic vocals work perfectly throughout. Plus, their internet release marked a major transition in how music will be distributed in the years to come.

8. "Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake (2002)
As the boy band craze died down, I don't think many people expected some one to emerge from that fad and become the voice of pop music in the 2000's. With "Cry Me a River", JT did just that, thrusting himself to solo stardom with this song. It also began a long-lasting and productive partnership with producer Timbaland that would make more fantastic music as the decade progressed.

7. "Violet Hill" by Coldplay (2008)
Love it or hate (and most of the people reading this will hate it), these guys owned this decade. They won 7 Grammy's and sold over 50 million records, and they deserve a spot on this list. Why this song? Well frankly I just love it, and it should get more credit in the "best Coldplay songs" discussion.

6. "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley (2006)
The unlikely pairing of Danger Mouse and Cee-lo brought us one of the most pleasant surprises of the decade. Cee-Lo's vocals are shockingly soulful and on point, and the beat Danger Mouse laid down accents the haunting, poignant lyrics perfectly.
"Come on now who do you, who do you, who do you think you are? Hahaha Bless your soul... You really think your in control?"

5. "International Player's Anthem" by UGK ft. Outkast (2007)
This is just well constructed, well performed hip-hop at it's finest. Andre 3000 opens this song with one of the coolest verses I have ever heard with nothing but horns and gospel singing backing him up and gets you ready for a ridiculously satisfying beat drop. Not all that much else to say, everyone involved with this song killed it and I love it.
"Then I CC'd every girl that I'd see see 'round town"

4."All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers (2005)
Brandon Flowers not only looks fantastic with a hipster mustache, dude can write a song too. Not much more to say about this one really, except it has the coolest ending on the list. Bringing in gospel backgrounds while repeatedly chanting "I got soul but I'm not a soldier"? Talk to me.

3. "Ordinary People" by John Legend (2005)
In a time where synth and loud hip-hop and R&B beats reigned, John Legend knew he was good enough to not need any of that stuff. He sat down on his piano, played it beautifully, and recorded this song. The heights it reached are pretty remarkable when you consider how different it is from everything else attaining commercial success at the time. The lyrics are my favorite part of the song because they capture the uncertainty of real relationships. Legend doesn't reach any conclusions in the song. If anything he is acknowledging that he has no idea what's going to happen, and that is both refreshingly honest and easy to relate to.

2. "All Falls Down" by Kanye West (2004)
I liked "Through the Wire" and all, but this was when I knew this Kanye West character was the real deal. Syleena Johnson fills the hooky chorus with soul and Kanye absolutely demolishes the verses. Plus, any rap song with acoustic guitar and the line "Couldn't afford a car so she named her daughter Alexis" in it deserves some love.

1. "Umbrella" by Rihanna ft. Jay-z (2007)
I can just imagine my future children turning on a "2000's" satellite radio station to listen to some oldies their dad loved and hearing this song. No chorus was as singable, as memorable as this one, and Rihanna's so-cool-it's-almost-casual voice has never been used so perfectly. Throw in Jay-Z and you have an absolute monster of a song. The ridiculous number of covers it spawned is a great indication of just how important this song was to the decade. Plus, my son is totally going to nail the opening Jay-Z verse from the backseat...

Chris Brown Sentenced

A judge on Tuesday sentenced Chris Brown to five years' probation and six months' community labor for the beating of Rihanna and ordered the R&B singer to stay away from his former girlfriend for the next five years.

Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Patricia Schnegg told Brown that he could be sent to state prison if he violated any terms of his sentence, including an order to stay 100 yards away from Rihanna unless they're attending music industry events.

A probation report prepared for Tuesday's sentencing describes two previous violent incidents. It said the first happened about three months before the February beating while the couple was traveling in Europe; Rihanna slapped Brown during an argument, and he shoved her into a wall. In the second instance, Brown allegedly broke the front and passenger side windows on a Range Rover they were driving while visiting Barbados, Rihanna's home country. Neither attack was reported, the probation report states.

Brown will serve his sentence in his home state — Virginia — and his community labor will be overseen by the police chief in Richmond.

The judge said she wanted to ensure that Brown, 20, performs physical labor instead of community service, such as mentoring young people. He will also undergo a year of domestic violence counseling.

-By ANTHONY McCARTNEY, AP Entertainment Writer


More Than A Game

So LeBron has a movie coming out, basically showing you how freaking amazing he was in high school at St. Vincent St Mary's. It's called More Than A Game. It looks great, but that isn't the news, Drake has released a song that is to be put on the upcoming soundtrack for this movie called "Forever". The track features Lil Wayne, Eminem, and Kanye West. Download the file from zShare below. Also check out the trailer for LeBron's upcoming flick.

"Forever" - Drake (ft. Kanye West, Lil Wayne, & Eminem)

The Bulleted List, August 27

Things I Would Love To Be Called

  • a real-life Norm Peterson
  • the Bruce Jenner of lawn games
  • Uno's Michael Phelps
  • the Scrabble equivalent of Brett Favre
  • reminiscent of Gaston from Beauty & the Beast
  • a more charming version of Ricardo Montabon

Top Ten Jukebox Jams of the '00s

As we take our second step on this little "Best Of" project, it's my turn to list my favorite tunes of the past decade. I began this decade as a fresh-faced whipper snapper of 11 and I'm going to exit it as a grizzled barfly aged 21 years.
So, I thought, what better way to pay tribute to the jams of the new millennium by giving the nod to the ten songs I would most likely enjoy hearing on my favorite watering hole's jukebox?
This list doesn't take into account these song's critical acclaim, their impact on music, or even if they're good or not. All I considered was one question: when I only have one dollar left, what do I put on?

10) Such Great Heights- The Postal Service
9) Icky Thump- The White Stripes
8) The Seed 2.0- The Roots
7) Summertime Clothes- Animal Collective
6) Molly's Chambers- Kings of Leon
5) Reptilia- The Strokes
4) The Way We Get By- Spoon
3) A-Punk- Vampire Weekend
2) To Be Young- Ryan Adams
1) 99 Problems- Jay-Z

Suck on that, internet.

Top 10 Songs of the 21st Century

I feel this list represents the music of the 21st century. I know this list is not my typical favorites or playlist that I listen to often, however I do feel this list describes the music of the 2000s as a whole.

10 - Baha Men - Who Let The Dogs Out
9 - Lee Ann Womack - I Hope You Dance
8 - Boyz Featuring Ying Yang Twins - Get Low
7 - MGMT - Kids
6 - Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California
5 - John Mayer - Daughters
4 - Fountains of Wayne - Stacey's Mom
3 - Eminem - Lose Yourself
2 - The Killers - Mr. Brightside
1 - Outkast - Hey Ya


New No Age "You're A Target"

Having been touring tirelessly since the release of 2008's highly touted album Nouns, No Age is getting ready to release a new EP, Losing Feeling. Randy Randall, the guitarist for No Age, is still recovering from a freak accident at one of No Deachunter's (No Age, Dan Deacon, Deerhunter) shows in Milwaukee, WI about 2 1/2 weeks ago where he was having a dance-off with Deerhunter's Bradford Cox and suddenly slipped on the floor and winded up dislocating his shoulder. All of this happened a day before their set at Lollapalooza in Chicago, IL. Regardless of the injury, No Age ended up playing a fantastic set at Lollapalooza and continues to tour in both No Age and No Deachunter. Losing Feeling is out via SubPop on October 6th. Stream the entire EP at SubPop's website here.

You're A Target - No Age


Beer and Taco Enthusiast

I am a man of simple tastes. I like coffee, cheap whiskey, college football, mustaches, my mom and dad, Jesus, good tunes, and movies where people say funny things. I also love beer and tacos. In fact, I am willing to call myself a beer and taco enthusiast. I get so enthusiastic about beer and tacos that whenever I encounter a particularly good brand of either I feel the need to tell the world. Usually this means I'm raving about Coors Light and Taco John's, but sometimes I'll come across something people want to eat/drink/hear about. So today I'd like present you with a little report on a tasty brew and even tastier Mexican delight I tore into recently.

Beer- In Hays, Kansas there is a place called Gella's. Gella's is a pretty atypical mid-American eatery with attached microbrewery. Not exactly something to write home about, but it delivered the goods, and by the goods I mean sweet, tasty bronson. For $6.50 I got a 22 oz. mug of American Brown. The menu described American Brown as a stout, full bodied, blah, blah, blah...it was a huge mug of beer and I had a king's thirst, so down it went, followed by another. It was indeed a scrumptious brew, a lot darker than I'm used to, but very tasty nonethless. So I ordered another. My meal remained relatively untouched as I slurped the grainy nectar, noting its rich, full flavor and nutty tones. By the end of dinner I was riding a relatively solid buzz and the lingering thought that I could have had twelve Coors Lights for the $13 I spent on American Brown. With the American Brown sitting in my gut like a breaded brick, we headed out to the bars where I proceeded to de-evolve into a belligerent, loud, incoherent mess I christened...the American Brown.

Taco- AP, the Stronghand and I were down on 13th Street today poking around the used bike shop when we felt a craving for some comida. We stopped by a little joint called Los Portales, a hole in the wall place with three booths and two tables, a fridge full of Mexican pop, and afternoon network on the TV. After checking the bilingual menu I ordered up a plate of tacos asada (my bros opted for the enchiladas). When they arrived, I was impressed with the mess of rice and beans, and even more impressed by the tacos. They were awesome. The steak was hot, tender and marinated in that killer way only our amigos south of the border can do it. Damn, son, there's not much else that can be said for those tacos other than the fact that they were mad good and I want more. I really want to get drunk and see how amazing they taste then. Looks like I know what I'm doing for breakfast tomorrow.


Lollapalooza Part 2: Saturday in the Park

Saturday began slow. Alex(alejandropablo), Kyle(K-Mart), and myself were spent. A previous day with over 11 hours spent on our feet at Grant Park left us as mere shades of the energetic spark plugs we were the day before. However we picked ourselves up, brushed the sleep from our eyes, and headed back to Grant Park where our friends Moira, Brian, and Caitlin were waiting. So too was a daunting lineup of bands which included Santigold, Animal Collective, and TV on the Radio.
Delta Spirit, an amazing American/Folk band from San Diego, was kicking things off at 12:30. Alex and I had seen them at the Waiting Room in Omaha last fall and they were incredible. Sidenote: their lead singer looks identical to That 70's Show's Wilmer Valderama. Unfortunately due to slow buses and a need for tasty Quiznos in our bellys we were delayed and missed their set. However, our friends who were their said they killed it which doesn't surprise me at all.
Following Delta Spirit was an hour lull where no bands we were interested in played. The 2:30 timeslot however was a very different case. Atmosphere, Animal Collective DJ set, and Los Campesinos all took the stage at the same time in different corners of the park. For several different reasons, we decided to see the British punk/pop group Los Campesinos. From the minute they walked on the stage this group impressed me. From a setlist of big hits, to hilarious interlude commentary, to the energy that they brought to the stage, Los Campesinos owned. At one point the lead singer said how pumped he was to go see the No Age set later in the day which I loved to hear. I think all artist could take a lesson from these guys, making yourself more relatable to your audiences and you'll find a better following. The set closed with the lead singer, lead guitar, and drummer jumping off stage and crowd surfing. The guitarist got so far out into the audience that he had to walk back to the stage. Honestly one of the best shows of the festival in my book.
We next had to run halfway across the park to see Chairlift play. The set was ok but honestly we spent most of it sitting under a tree by the stage trying to escape the pounding sun. We got to see them play the popular track "Bruises" which the entire crowd including us stood up and started dancing. Although the set was decent the highlight of the hour was some random guy with a hemp satchel trying unsuccessfully to sell Alex and Kyle some weed.
Based on the lackluster Chairlift show we were really stoked to see Santigold take the stage next. Arriving at the stage an hour early turned out to be one of the best ideas of the trip. There were about 5 people between us and the stage so we celebrated this victory with shots that we managed to sneak in thanks to my diabetes. The girls next to us asked to join in and so we drank and talked music while we waited for Santi. Britan and Anne Marie were Lolla veterans thanks to Britains crazy odds of winning two tickets off radio call ins three years in a row. After about a ten minute delay Santigold finally took the stage hitting a homerun with her opener "Hold the Line" a Major Lazer song she is featured on. Dressed in all gold Santi rocked the stage from the time that she set foot on it, although she did need to take a break everyone in a while to fight off the hundreds of beach balls that were flying around the crowd and on the stage. I feel like Santi is really cementing herself in this industry and based on the fact that Hip Hop heavyweight like Wu Tangs's GZA, Scott Storch, and MTV VJ Q were hanging out side stage. Santigold closed the set by inviting about six audience members on stage to show their best moves for "Creator."
TV on the Radio started immediately after Santi. Kyp Malone and the band were impressive to say the least. With tracks like "Wolf Like Me" "Golden Age" and "Crying" they came out strong and though we left the set early, other people told me they stayed strong throughout.
Animal Collective followed after TVOTR. I was so excited to see these guys live but they came out in jam session mode floating between songs and ambient noise. A half hour in and I was completely let down and prayed for them to pick up the tempo and play some hits. My prayers were rewarded. The last two songs Brothersport and Fireworks took up nearly 25 minutes was the band at their very best. Alex, Kyle, and I managed to push our way dead center and were right in the middle of the trippy dance party that ensued.
At this point we were spent. We had spent all day going bouncing off the walls and sweating our balls off under the relentless Chicago sun, but we trudged back across the park again to see the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. When we got there they were halfway through the hit "Heads Will Roll" which was loud, powerful and amazing. The show was ok but Karen O was a scene. She danced around, flung her hair, and even deep throated the microphone while doing the splits, a true showman. We checked out a bit early to catch the Bassnectar DJ set which was good especially with him sampling Mambo Number 5 in a dance jam as we left.
Saturday was full, intense, draining, and a lot more but most of all I would say it was fun. We left the Park a few minutes early and avoided the monstorous crowd. We later headed to a dive bar by Wrigglyville where the bartender downed tequilla while serving us the cheapest beer in the place. It was the perfect way to end a perfect day. Look forward to Kyle's coverage of Sunday which will hopefully come faster than my post.


"And as my heart ran round,
my dreams pulled me from the ground,
forever to search for the flame,
for home again, for home again."

-natasha khan


The Bulleted List, August 15

Things I'm Looking Forward To

  • The part in The Perfect Storm with the shark
  • The laundry to get done
  • Someone else to make Jell-O
  • Ouzo
  • A hero saving the day
  • Pistol Pete actually writing a Lolla review
  • Something amazing to happen, I guess.


A Few Summer Tunes

Summer is starting to wind up for those of us who have some kind of schooling that we attend in the fall. So I thought I would reflect by posting a nice, random, short inventory of some summer mp3s for y'all to listen to while you chill at home, chill on the road, chill in the office, chill on the boat, chill in your underwear, chill in her underwear, or chill wearing no underwear. Most of these are pretty fresh, while some are from earlier this summer. This is just a random list of songs from the summer that you may have missed, so I thought I would post them.

"Walkabout" is a new one from Atlas Sound (Bradford Cox of Deerhunter) featuring Noah Lennox (Panda Bear) of Animal Collective in gazy, upbeat cheerful tune. One of the best of the summer. I also posted a new one from Nathan Williams (Wavves) as both the tracks he's made this summer have been great, the other being "Mickey Mouse" of course. Volcano Choir is Justin Vernon's (Bon Iver) side project and their new album is to be released this fall. "Island, IS" is the only song I've heard so far, but I dig it. A new one from Radiohead (or so we think, maybe?), a great song from The Almighty Defenders which is a side project from King Kahn and The Black Lips, a newish one from the trippy "glo-fi" artist Washed Out, a great song from Mos Def's latest album, a Simian Mobile Disco song from their upcoming album Temporary Pleasure featuring Jamie Lidell, a crazy hot reggae tune from Major Lazer with a taste of Santigold, and finally a song Animal Collective has been playing at most of their live shows lately that features a hook from a Grateful Dead tune. Hopefully this gives you a little something to listen to over the next week or so. Enjoy!

Walkabout (ft. Panda Bear) - Atlas Sound

Cool Jumper - Wavves

Island, IS - Volcano Choir

These Are My Twisted Words - Radiohead

Cone Of Light - The Almighty Defenders

Feel It All Around - Washed Out

Auditorium (ft. The Ruler) - Mos Def

Off The Map (ft. Jamie Lidell) - Simian Mobile Disco

Hold The Line (ft. Santigold) - Major Lazer

What Would I Want Sky (Live on BBC Sessions) - Animal Collective


Last Nite Isn't Just a Strokes Song

Last night I went out with the infamous Constantine and my perennial compadre Aaron. This is what happened.

We began our night by splitting a six-pack of Sam Adam’s Summer Ale on our way to a fine eatery. You guessed it, Applebee’s. Applebee’s, long known for its horrifyingly pawn shop-esque décor and median quality fare, actually has a pretty boss happy hour. For 3 bones you can get a Brewtus of any draft beer (FYI, a “Brewtus” is A-bee’s’ probably trademarked name for a 32 oz. glass) and apps are half price. We found ourselves pretty well occupied with Boulevards and wings, after two of the former and a dozen of the latter we left. We made our way to the movies, where we saw The Ugly Truth (don’t judge). This is where the night took a turn for the strange.

We left the theater and headed towards our favorite liquor store, Cheema’s. Cheema’s is in a shadier part of town, but it is worth the potential beatdown and robbery. Cheema’s is in an old gas station and looks super sketchy from the road, but once you step through the door it is a veritable treasure house of alcohol. Wall to wall booze, the like and variety of which seem superfluous. Once, out of curiosity I counted how many different kinds of tequila they had in stock. 23. Who the fuck even makes 23 different kinds of tequila? On the far wall, there are cases of beer six deep stacked to the ceiling. In my daydreams, I take these cases and arrange them into a castle like structure and wile away my days inside my daddy soda fortress. Cheema’s is owned and operated by a dude named Cheema. Cheema is of undetermined Middle Eastern descent, rocks a vicious mustache, and is usually working on some kind of online college course. Cheema is friendly to a fault, as any good liquor store guy should be, however, he holds a special ire for Constantine. This ill will stems from the time Constantine asked Cheema what was the difference between the green label and black label Jack Daniels. Cheema didn’t know/care, yet Constantine persistently pursued the question. Finally, Cheema threw up his hands and exclaimed, “They ran out of black labels, dumbass!” Since then, a mutual distrust has festered between the two. This manifested rather hilariously last night when we walked up to the counter to purchase our 40s of cold Coors Light. When Aaron and I reached for our IDs, Cheem-nasty waved us off nonchalantly in a way that said, I know you guys. However, when Costa plunked down his $2.88, the Cheem-ster piped up with, “ID please!” He then put Constantine through the wringer, demanding birth date, address, and a spelling of Constantine’s last name, as well as inquiring into the nationality of said last name. This was particularly hilarious to me, since I used Constantine’s old license as a fake for most of last year. With 40s in hand—Aaron and mine’s almost half gone at this point—we left Cheema’s, presumably for home.

It was not to be so. About 10 minutes and 3 empty 40s onto the road—where ever we go we are a DUI/open container charge waiting to happen—Constantine got a call from “some girl” saying she was at the Oregon Trail Bar for ladies night. Before I go any farther, I need to define two important terms in that last sentence. The first is “some girl”. For most of his life, Constantine has been in the pursuit of “some girl”. It is never the same girl and his pursuit rarely lasts more than a month, but the pursuit while it lasts is hot-blooded and earnest, albeit always fruitless. The second term worth clarifying is “ladies night”. Ladies night at the OT means that pitchers are 4 dollars, and there are lots of creepy dudes of all ages packing this tacky saddle-barn of a tavern. What ladies night at the OT doesn’t entail is that there will be ladies. The usual unfriendly ratio of 3 guys for every 1 girl plummets to a shudderingly awful 5 to 1 on ladies night, and the ratio of dog to fox is and even more discouraging 4 to 1. I’m no mathemagician, but this means that there is one hot babe for every 25 creepy, lecherous men. We had trouble from the get-go when the Wranglers and ostrich-skin cowboy boot wearing bouncer tried to turn me away, stating that my ID wasn’t mine. Normally I would have gotten pissed and left, but this guy looked like the Nazi Indiana Jones pushes into the plane propeller, so I calmly produced my school ID and my debit card, as well as citing the rarity of glorious nature beards, one of which I sport currently as well as in my ID picture. After some terse negotiation, Stone Cold Steve Austin let me into his shitty bar. As predicted, it was packed with dudes. I don’t want to go into details regarding the clientele, but on the douche bag scale they were somewhere between a Hollister t-shirt and a Kenny Chesney song. So, we are settled into this sausage fest, Aaron and I going after a pitcher of Coors Light with gusto while Constantine tries to charm the flavor of the week. She’s not bad looking, and her friend is even kind of cute. Aaron and I take up the mantle of wingman, engaging this friend in small talk, growing increasingly belligerent. As previously mentioned, attractive girls are at premium in this place so the fact that two of them are sitting with three dudes who are the rough equivalents of Frodo, Grizzly Adams and the guy that drives the Cash Cab is definitely going to draw some negative attention. Eventually, some archetypal douche—Abercrombie, excessive hair gel, the works—walked up, asked both of the girls we were sitting with if they wanted to dance, and was roundly denied by both of them, much to his chagrin. The conversation around our table continued, this guy still standing there, baffled. After a very awkward minute, this guy is still standing there, and he taps Constantine on the shoulder. Their conversation goes as follows.

Douche: Hey, man, are you gay?
Constantine: Uh, no.
Douche: Really, because my friend said you were checking him out.
Constantine: Who’s your friend?
Douche: That dude over there in the hat. (Note: This is a bar in West Nebraska. Everyone has a fucking hat on.)
Constantine: Nope, doesn’t look familiar to me.
Douche: You look kinda gay, are you sure you’re not gay?
Constantine: Pretty sure.
Douche: Hey, if you’ve got a problem we can go out to the parking lot.
At this point, this guy is way over his head. The girls he is trying to impress are ignoring him, and his verbal spars are being met with Constantine surprisingly calm attitude, my look of drunken bewilderment, and Aaron’s unfettered laughter. He turns on Aaron.
Douche: What are you laughing at, faggot?
Now I’m laughing, too.
Douche: You know what, fuck you assholes, you’re lucky I don’t kick your asses. I don’t need that kind of bad publicity.
Aaron: Yeah…(laughter)…fuckin…(laughter)…People magazine…(laughter)…and shit.
Now the girls are laughing. If this guy wasn’t such a prick, I’d feel bad for him.
Douche: (growing increasingly angry) I know people in California! I can end you!

At this, Douche-balls storms off. Turns out he has been an extra on CSI and he’s in the final audition cut for some reality show. If you are from West Nebraska, you think this makes you famous. The rest of the night went on quite uneventfully, with Constantine—to no one’s surprise— failing to close, me rattling off a string of rude comments, and Aaron quietly getting blackout. The night was closed very appropriately. As we dropped Constantine off at his house, he turned back to the car and asked, “Do I really look gay?”

Sometimes ignorance is bliss, homie.


Gary Go: "Just Dance"

Awesome video/cover by Gary Go of Lady Gaga's "Just Dance". Click on the title for the link. His new album just dropped too and it is pretty cool. Haven't given it a thorough listen yet but I have liked what I've heard.

How I Spent My Summer Vacation

I went home for the summer, so, to answer the titular statement, I spent most of it cool-kicking it in rural paradise. While this did not afford me the opportunity to go to Lolla—and write a novella length review—or occupy myself with whatever the fuck the Stronghand has been doing, it has given me a few other avenues for which I may spend my days. As you can see from the picture, these included mostly drinking and not shaving. I tried to put my sentiments into words, but then I realized a picture is worth a thousand words—which would still bring me about 2000 under the Lolla play by play. All in all, it was a season of love.


Lollapalooza 2009 (Friday in review)

Lollapalooza 2009 is my first ever true music festival. Needless to say, I had been pretty excited about going this year's version of the annual festival held in Chicago every first week of August. The line-up this year (like year's past) did not disappoint. The biggest problems were choosing which bands to see when there were conflicts in set times, my bitch-ass sore feet, Peter's (Pistol Pete) diabetes (just because he has it), and Kyle's (K-MART) bizarre heat rash thing. Besides these things, it was a fantastic trip and I can't wait till my next festival experience. Bear with us as we are a little late on recapping the weekend's events.

Even though it was all of our's first festival, we were pretty prepared for the most part. On Friday, all afternoon it was on and off rain. It really just made things a soggy mess, but didn't really affect the actual festival experience. Peter and I were knowledgeable enough to bring some sort of rain jacket, while Kyle stood in front of sets wearing nothing but a tye-dye t-shirt that put him in well with the Of Montreal crowd and the infamous, yet slightly grotesque Maccaroni Grill hat. He didn't seem to be too affected by it though (at least not on Friday). The main set back I noticed was at the end of Friday when I realized that some shows were going to have to be cut out from our optimistic list due to the massive venue that is Grant Park and also conflicting times.

11:44 AM - We got into Grant Park around noon on Friday afternoon. We wanted to catch the 11:00 set of a portland band named Hockey that we had heard good things about, but unfortunately we underestimated the amount of time it would take to get to Grant Park from our estate of the previous night. We did hear a bit of their set while waiting in line and I liked what I heard. As we walked in, the beginning of the Manchester Orchestra set had just begun at the Budweiser (main stage) at the North end of Grant Park and the crowd was pretty small at the time. Manchester Orchestra is not really my favorable type of music (very hard alt rock, with bearded men strangling each other on stage....not really) but they had an excellent stage presence and the dedicated crowd that watched their set as the rain began to come down, really seemed to enjoy it. The next band we wanted to see was White Lies and their set didn't start till 2:00 PM so we used this time to familiarize ourselves with the rest of the venue. Grant Park is esentially 4 blocks long and absolutely all of it is utilized for Lollapalooza. As you might imagine, the festival is very hard on the park as by the end of the night, the place is trashed. Three days of this in a row and you can only imagine. It looked like a bomb of white trash (pun intended) had exploded there. As we walked around Grant Park and found all of the different stages, bars, and areas for merch and what not, I couldn't help but start to notice the vast array of different types of people at this festival. As you might imagine, there were your stereotypical hipters there for many of the bands that I wanted to see, but there was also a lot of white trash there for a few of the headliners like Tool and Jane's Addiction. Talk about one end of the spectrum and then the other. Just by looking at the line-up for this year's festival, you could probably stereotype nearly each fan type that was in attendance. If you like to 'people watch', Lollapalooza is one of the best places I've been for it.

2:15 PM - A few songs into White Lies' set, I am liking most of what I hear from them. The lead singer has a very distinct voice that carried quite nicely from the Budweiser Stage. We left a bit early to catch a good spot for Bon Iver, but we did get to hear the tune that I had been waiting to from them, "Unfinished Business" and it sounded great live. The line and rift "You've got blood on your hands and I know it's mine" sounded absolutely chilling in the rainy overcast afternoon.

3:00 PM - We stay over near the North end at the PlayStation Stage to catch a Bon Iver's set. We got a pretty good spot near the center of the stage and were lucky as the area filled up very quickly for Justin's delicate falsetto tunes. This was pretty ideal weather for Bon Iver to accel at, considering his type of music. Though his set was really good, a festival just isn't an ideal setting to hear his music. I look forward to seeing his show at the Slowdown in Omaha, NE for a more intimate/appropriate setting. Don't take this the wrong way though, Justin Vernon owned his set and definitely pleased the crowd. A couple of the standouts for me were an uptempo rocked out version of "Blood Bank", a crowd sing-a-long to "Skinny Love", and a beatiful rendition of "Flume" just as the rain really started to come down hard. There was also a very intricate acoustic solo in the middle of "Re: Stacks" that was most impressive. A great start to the festival.

4:15 PM - We got over to Ben Folds' set back at the Budweiser a bit late as we stopped at the beatiful porter potty area of Grant Park. Due to our stop and Peter's reliability to always choose the slowest route to a shitter/anything, we got to Ben Folds set a bit late. If you have ever been to a Ben Folds show then you already know he kicks a sincere amount of ass live. If you haven't, do it. Completely worth it. We met up with some of my friends from back home in South Dakota (one of whom goes to design school in Chicago) and had a blast dancing and singing along to every song on Ben's setlist. Didn't have a great spot for this show as it filled up quickly, as you might imagine for Mr. Folds, but it was my third time seeing him live and all I really wanted to do at that point was sing along "in my white boy pain and shake my booty" with my friends. As always with Ben Folds, great set.

5:05 PM - We stayed for most of Ben Folds set, but cut out early for a Fleet Foxes spot back over at the PlayStation stage. I have no idea how we got the spot we did for this show, but it was a great spot. I have seen Fleet Foxes before in late March of 2008 with my girlfriend. It was a rainy day and I believe there were about 25 people there for the $12 show until Blitzen Trapper came on afterward. Robin Pecknold commented about feeling under the weather earlier in the morning, but as soon as the show started, you couldn't have guessed it. This was a fantastic set, one of my favorites from the weekend. The harmonies sounded beautiful and were as tight as ever as the quintet strummed and howled through most of their self-titled debut as well as the Sun Giant EP. They had great stage presence as they interacted with the crowd in between songs. The drummer commented on how he looked up at the video screen and realized that big furry animal was in fact his own beard and he even let a few fans know that there is actually a waiting list to live in his beard. Everything about this show was great. They opened strong with "Sun It Rises" and closed even stronger with one of my personal favs, "Blue Ridge Mountains". I looked back about halfway through the set and noticed the large crowd that they had attracted. A warm moment on a cold, wet day.

6:05 PM - After a fantastic set from Fleet Foxes we had to hurry and return back to the Budweiser stage for The Decemberists. Colin Meloy and company had revealed earlier in the week that even though they were going to be playing at Lollapalooza, they were still going to play through their rock opera that is The Hazards of Love. I have listened through this album only a couple of times, so I wasn't real familiar with it. The first thing I noticed about the set was the costumes that they all came out in. The men came out clad in tuxes and Becky Stark came out clad in a wedding dress while Shara Worden came out wearing black leotard-like thing. My favorite part about this show was easily the female vocalists, especially Shara Worden. She really stole the show. Her voice was very powerful, especially for the role she was playing as the antagonist for the rock opera. I appreciated the skill and talent of The Decemberists, but I'm afraid I was with the majority of the audience there and wasn't familiar enough with The Hazards of Love to fully appreciate their set. I would have preferred a normal set list consisting of songs off various records. Nevertheless, it was a good performance but once again we were forced to leave a bit early to catch our next show.

6:55 PM - Having to run nearly all the way across Grant Park for this show, it had better be worth it, and it was. Our next show was Of Montreal at the Vitamin Water stage at the South end of Grant Park. Words cannot describe the spectacle that was Of Montreal's set at Lollapalooza. I had heard about Of Montreal's crazy antics at shows and have even seen pictures of Kevin Barnes riding a horse on stage, but you really just have to see it live to fully appreciate it. Before the show started, I could see the members of Of Montreal all dressed up in their ridiculous costumes. I couldn't even begin to fathom what was to come next. Kevin Barnes and company took the stage and all the crazy shenanigans began. Barnes came out wearing a cape and what I believed to be pantyhose and riding the shoulders of two huge clowns. The costumes for the rest of the group were just as crazy as one of the guitarists had some sort of headdress that connected to his shoulders and the dance troupe had costumes consisting of feathery shoulder pads, Snow White sparkles, at least four different Greedo gas masks. At one point, someone in a snake mask and titanic papier-mâché arms hypes the crowd from behind the drums. At another, a black-bodysuited interpretive dancer does some sort of magic trick and ends up on the shoulders of a guy in a tiger mask. There was some sort of storyline panning out during all of this, but needless to say I couldn't really make it out. It had something to do with the Greedo gas-masked fellas trying to kid-nap the pig-masked people and eventually things didn't work out, they crucified them. Yeah man, it was crazy weird, but so cool. While all these antics were happening, there was actually an amazing set being performed by Of Montreal. The music really didn't going till the third song when they broke into "Id Engager" and things really got bumping. The crowd was fantastic and really into it as people were dancing and jamming the entire time. There was also a very cool moment when Janelle Monae took the stage to duet with Barnes on David Bowie's "Moonage Daydream". The set ended with Barnes destroying his guitar and giving it to a person in the audience while members of the dance group crowd surfed on an inflatable dolphin and raft. The whole Of Montreal experience really proved to be one of my favorite highlights from the whole weekend. Check out a behind the scenes video of their performance here at Rolling Stone.

8:15 PM - We race back over across Grant Park past Buckingham Fountain back to the Budweiser stage to watch Kings of Leon cap off the night. Little did we know that it wouldn't be the final show we saw that night, to say the least. When we got over toward the north end of the park, the place was absolutely packed. I had no idea that there would be nearly as many people there turned out to be. And people there were hammered, I mean sloppy drunk. They were either drunk, getting drunk, stoned, getting stoned, or getting drunk and stoned. The place was mess by means of both the mud from the weather that day and the people that showed up to watch Kings of Leon. About 15 minutes into KoL's set, there were three guys in front of us lighting up. The piece and green belonged to a creepy old hippie that was a total drug addict (or at least came off that way). Anyway he was smoking these other two guys out and whatever he had that pipe was some dank shit. About 10 minutes after they lit up the old bastard starts tilting a bit. We just laughed it off at first figuring the guy was just really messed up, but we had no idea. Soon he started running into people and eventually hit the ground. We tried to help him up but he was complete dead weight and we eventually were able to drag him a bit, but there was no way we were going get him anywhere quick enough. Pistol Pete ran over to get security while K-MART was checking vitals. The old shit started convulsing and that's when I thought to myself, 'wow I may see this guy die right here.' Right when security got over to where we were with the guy, he seemed to snap out of it and started breathing again. We got him up on his feet and as soon as he saw security he reached into his pocket, threw out his pipe and all his goods and was hauled away by security. This spooked my shit out. I couldn't believe what just happened. Crazy. As for the KoL set, there really isn't much to say about it, good or bad. They really shouldn't have been headlining. They sounded fine, but there was absolutely no stage presence and the set list was very questionable. It turned out to be one of my least favorite shows of the weekend. Needless to say we got kind of bored, especially with our spots so we headed out early to check out Kid Cudi at the DJ stage.

9:15 PM - We get over to Perry's where all the DJ's played their sets throughout the weekend and caught the last 10 minutes of the Crookers set. Right when Kid Cudi came on, I knew he was going to be a lot of fun. The place was bumpin and somehow we managed to worm our way up pretty close. The set pretty much consisted of Cudi's mixtape jams and freestyle raps to familiar beats (like "Flashing Lights" of Kanye West's) most of which I was pretty unfamiliar with, but definitely good stuff. Then "Day N' Nite" came on and the whole place went nuts. My comrades found a couple of 15 year olds to get their grind on with while I stood behind them with a (as HRO's Carles would put it) stereotypical altbro. The Cudi set was a lot of fun and it was definitely a good call to cut out of the KoL set early to check it out.

10:15 PM - The night's affairs for Lollapalooza are over and we walk out of Grant Park with the rest of the night's 75K+ for quite a spectacle. I have never before seen 75K people flood the streets and basically take downtown of Chicago over for the next 45 minutes. It was an awesome thing to see. We were all pretty beat after conquering the first day as we were still kind of soggy and shoes muddy, but we had a blast and saw some great shows and still had two days of great music left! Look for Pistol Pete's coverage of day 2 within the next couple of days! Enjoy the MP3s. Peace.

Lollapalooza 2009 Friday Mix:

Too Fake - Hockey

Unfinished Business - White Lies

Blood Bank - Bon Iver

Mykonos - Fleet Foxes

You Don't Know Me - Ben Folds

Rake's Song - The Decemberists

Gronlandic Edit - of Montreal

My Third House - Kings of Leon

Day 'N' Nite (Crookers Remix) - Kid Cudi

The Bulleted List, August 11

Things I've Heard In the Bar in the Last Week or So

  • "I'll have some rainbow sherbert...with vodka in it!"
  • "The Rockies make me want to beat my wife" (via text message)
  • "Whose puke is this?"
  • "I got tricked into getting married."
  • "I wish there were some high school girls here"
  • "This song is totally about killing children. Listen"
  • "I could easily be fooled into believing you're running a gay bar, Justin."


Know Your Enemy

I’ve learned a few lessons in my life, most of them involving alcohol, motor vehicles, fireworks and/or public urination, but if there is one lesson I consider more valuable than all the others put together its that girls are not to be trusted. Girls are the ultimate double-edged sword. They’re awesome, yet terrible. I like to have them around, but I can’t fucking stand them. It’s a real lose-lose. But, you say, not all girls are bad. And I agree. Some girls are bad, some are worse, some are the god-damn devil. To further my point, I have assembled a field guide to the worst kind of girls.

The Bar Girl- You have never seen this girl in the light of day, but you see her under black lights or in the neon glow of a beer sign almost every weekend. She can usually be found posting up by the jukebox or swaying drunkenly on the dance floor with her ever present mixed drink and oversized purse. This girl is a barfly in every sense of the word, yet she rarely pays for her own drinks, relying instead on the gaggle of drunken guys in her wake to fund her never-ending stream of gin and tonics. This girl is relatively easy to approach and its not hard to engage her in conversation, but topics are limited. This girl likes to talk about how drunk she is, how drunk she was, or how drunk she’s going to get. But, no matter how many drinks you buy her or how much game you spit, there is a very slim chance of you closing the deal. By the end of night the Bar Girl will either be calling dinosaurs over a trash can or toilet—you might get to hold her hair back—or being pulled out the door by her much more coherent friends as she slurs, “My ride’s leaving!” She’ll never call, she’ll never text, but don’t worry because you know just where to find her next weekend.

Summertime Clothes- Don’t let the name mislead you; this is not some kind of awesome girl that really likes Animal Collective. Instead, this is the girl that you hook up with in the summer. Maybe your back home for the summer and went to high school with Summertime Clothes. Maybe you have a summer school class with her. Maybe you met her while working your summer job. Summertime Clothes is characterized by convenience. Who knows if you actually have any chemistry or anything in common? You’re both just there and you both need something to pass the time until school starts again. There may be a few brief instances where you imagine continuing this relationship past Labor Day, but for the most part its packed away as soon as your suitcase. You’ll keep her number in your phone, though, because, hey, there’s always Thanksgiving.

The Calendar Burner- Like the Summertime Clothes for the other seasons, this is a girl you are wasting your time with. Maybe you’re too lazy to look for someone else, maybe you like a steady stream of nookie, maybe you’re scared to be alone. Whatever your reason, you are pissing away week after week with this girl. Before you know it, an entire year is gone and you’re still in a relationship you didn’t really want in the first place, and that is a terrifying feeling. It’s okay to have a job you don’t like, but don’t let it become a career. Get out while it’s good, get out while it’s easy.

The Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room)- This girl is easily identified as being the best looking girl in any particular establishment. By no means is she super hot, in fact, she may not even be attractive by any standard. However, when there aren’t that many girls around, she is the hottest ticket in town. The Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room) is usually found in the early stages of big parties, small get togethers, or the bar in my hometown. Taken out of her element, this girl is by no means anything to write home about and few would even bother to look twice. But in the right circumstances, this girl will be found at the center of hot-blooded competition for her attention, and she will take full advantage of it, playing dudes off each other and generally being a low-down trick, because its not often she gets this kind of appreciation, and she knows its not gonna last much longer.

The Ugh- Regrettable for any number of reasons, this is the girl you pray your friends never find out about. When the memory of this girl surfaces, you will shake your head and emit a low, guttural groan of self-loathing: the eponymous “Ugh”. What else is there to say?

The Quality- The diamond in the rough. The rare flower. The lost city of not-being-a-dirty-bitch. The Quality is the girl that you stick with. Smart, funny, and good-looking enough, the Quality is the girl you keep in the back of your mind while you wade through the sea of skanks. She’s out there somewhere and while she may not be perfect you can learn to appreciate her eventually. The Quality's one unfotunate characteristic is as follows: once you find her you may find yourself bennding over backwards to keep her attention. Worth it. Be warned, the Quality is made in extremely low quantities, and can be challenging to locate. Once you do find the Quality, though, dig in like a World War I soldier because you don’t want to let this one get away. She’s out there, just keep on looking.

This has been my field guide. Am I shallow? A little bit. Do I believe that all women are back-stabbing, lying, conniving hos? Of course not, but I’ve met enough of them that are that they gave the rest a bad name. And to those girls…shame on you.


Cage The Elephant: "Ain't no Rest for the Wicked"

Normally when I post a song on here it's new hip/hop since the other writers kick my ass at all other kinds of new music. But I am making an exception for this song because, well, it kicks ass. It is the single off of their self-titled debut album and it has a distinct "What It's Like" by Everlast vibe to it, and who didn't love that song? So click on the title to see the video/hear the song and let us know what you think.


Port O'Brien

Port O'Brien's follow-up to 2007's highly touted All We Could Do Was Sing has a release date, 10/6/2009. They teased us a bit when they put out that two track Winter EP this past February. "Sour Milk / Salt Water" from their upcoming album Threadbare has me excited to hear the rest of what they have in store.

Sour Milk / Salt Water - Port O'Brien


The Bulleted List, August 3

Others Animals Deserving of Their Own Weeks

  • Alligators
  • Elephants
  • Polar Bears
  • California Condors
  • Dogs
  • Camels
  • The Sims

"Captured a taxi despite all the rain,
we drove in silence across Pont Champlain,
and all of that time you thought I was sad,
I was trying to remember your name."

-Torquil Campbell