Know Your Enemy

I’ve learned a few lessons in my life, most of them involving alcohol, motor vehicles, fireworks and/or public urination, but if there is one lesson I consider more valuable than all the others put together its that girls are not to be trusted. Girls are the ultimate double-edged sword. They’re awesome, yet terrible. I like to have them around, but I can’t fucking stand them. It’s a real lose-lose. But, you say, not all girls are bad. And I agree. Some girls are bad, some are worse, some are the god-damn devil. To further my point, I have assembled a field guide to the worst kind of girls.

The Bar Girl- You have never seen this girl in the light of day, but you see her under black lights or in the neon glow of a beer sign almost every weekend. She can usually be found posting up by the jukebox or swaying drunkenly on the dance floor with her ever present mixed drink and oversized purse. This girl is a barfly in every sense of the word, yet she rarely pays for her own drinks, relying instead on the gaggle of drunken guys in her wake to fund her never-ending stream of gin and tonics. This girl is relatively easy to approach and its not hard to engage her in conversation, but topics are limited. This girl likes to talk about how drunk she is, how drunk she was, or how drunk she’s going to get. But, no matter how many drinks you buy her or how much game you spit, there is a very slim chance of you closing the deal. By the end of night the Bar Girl will either be calling dinosaurs over a trash can or toilet—you might get to hold her hair back—or being pulled out the door by her much more coherent friends as she slurs, “My ride’s leaving!” She’ll never call, she’ll never text, but don’t worry because you know just where to find her next weekend.

Summertime Clothes- Don’t let the name mislead you; this is not some kind of awesome girl that really likes Animal Collective. Instead, this is the girl that you hook up with in the summer. Maybe your back home for the summer and went to high school with Summertime Clothes. Maybe you have a summer school class with her. Maybe you met her while working your summer job. Summertime Clothes is characterized by convenience. Who knows if you actually have any chemistry or anything in common? You’re both just there and you both need something to pass the time until school starts again. There may be a few brief instances where you imagine continuing this relationship past Labor Day, but for the most part its packed away as soon as your suitcase. You’ll keep her number in your phone, though, because, hey, there’s always Thanksgiving.

The Calendar Burner- Like the Summertime Clothes for the other seasons, this is a girl you are wasting your time with. Maybe you’re too lazy to look for someone else, maybe you like a steady stream of nookie, maybe you’re scared to be alone. Whatever your reason, you are pissing away week after week with this girl. Before you know it, an entire year is gone and you’re still in a relationship you didn’t really want in the first place, and that is a terrifying feeling. It’s okay to have a job you don’t like, but don’t let it become a career. Get out while it’s good, get out while it’s easy.

The Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room)- This girl is easily identified as being the best looking girl in any particular establishment. By no means is she super hot, in fact, she may not even be attractive by any standard. However, when there aren’t that many girls around, she is the hottest ticket in town. The Most Beautiful Girl (In the Room) is usually found in the early stages of big parties, small get togethers, or the bar in my hometown. Taken out of her element, this girl is by no means anything to write home about and few would even bother to look twice. But in the right circumstances, this girl will be found at the center of hot-blooded competition for her attention, and she will take full advantage of it, playing dudes off each other and generally being a low-down trick, because its not often she gets this kind of appreciation, and she knows its not gonna last much longer.

The Ugh- Regrettable for any number of reasons, this is the girl you pray your friends never find out about. When the memory of this girl surfaces, you will shake your head and emit a low, guttural groan of self-loathing: the eponymous “Ugh”. What else is there to say?

The Quality- The diamond in the rough. The rare flower. The lost city of not-being-a-dirty-bitch. The Quality is the girl that you stick with. Smart, funny, and good-looking enough, the Quality is the girl you keep in the back of your mind while you wade through the sea of skanks. She’s out there somewhere and while she may not be perfect you can learn to appreciate her eventually. The Quality's one unfotunate characteristic is as follows: once you find her you may find yourself bennding over backwards to keep her attention. Worth it. Be warned, the Quality is made in extremely low quantities, and can be challenging to locate. Once you do find the Quality, though, dig in like a World War I soldier because you don’t want to let this one get away. She’s out there, just keep on looking.

This has been my field guide. Am I shallow? A little bit. Do I believe that all women are back-stabbing, lying, conniving hos? Of course not, but I’ve met enough of them that are that they gave the rest a bad name. And to those girls…shame on you.