The Tobacconist

Tobacco is a great product. Most girls hate it but most guys crave it. However, how you go about consuming this plant says a lot about a person. Here is how I see and grade the tobacco and its consumer.

One of my favorite ways
The Person - probably chill, and likes to do tricks.
The Process - this is one of the most social ways to smoke. Its a smoke for both sexes to enjoy and the most flavorful. A down side is that it is expensive to start and is easy to break.
R.I.P Black Diamond

My least favorite
The Person - usually trashy, you're gross, get out of my face, you smell bad and its your fault for smoke free zones. Thanks
The Process - its simple, you smoke a stick usually by yourself and then throw it on the ground.

The Can
If you see me with this then I mean business
The Person - usually a hard ass who enjoys some country, partying, and doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. If you are a girl then.. um.. quit please..
The Process - can either give you a great buzz or send you spinning and puking your guts out. THIS IS NOT FOR BEGINNERS. The potent poison usually starts your day or ends your night.
Copenhagen Berry Blend or Straight are my preferences.

The Pipe
The most enjoyable in my mind
The Person - classy, simple and laid back.
The Process - usually smoked if you have time to kick back. Has a variety of flavors and is a unique smoke these days. Windsor and Black Mamba from the old market here in Omaha are among the leaders. Can be difficult to get a bowl that lasts, but is an accomplishment when you do.

I like to make fun of these people
The Person - wimpy and the light weights of the tobacco world, but they think its acceptable.
The Process - buy a beautifully decorated can with cute names like Frost and Spice packaged in little pouches to place in your upper lip. For no reason.

You have either been traveling or you have some money to spare for a good smoke
The Person - likes to take time out of the day and enjoy a true "smoke break."
The Process - classic/classy. If you are trying to impress I suggest that you use cedar flakes to light your cigar then proceed to have an intelligent conversation or stress your modern day concerns.

The Pouch (not that wimpy pouch you put in your lip)
I'm talking chaw, chew, stuff that makes your scrotum tuffer and your 'stache stiffer. This is where the goods are at, i'm talkin Levi, Beechnut, Red Man, etc..
The Person - prolly a friend of mine. Also likes the outdoors, has a hard working job, can fix things and could care less if people think its gross (if you tell them it is they will probably spit it in your eye.. and you deserve it.)
The Process - grab a wad of delicious moist leaf and throw it in your mouth. Once it starts getting dry you chew or gnaw on it then fill up a can.

Enjoy Friends,
and if someone says its bad for you and you need to quit then you can either put out your cigarette or cigar on them, spit you chew or dip at them, blow your pipe out at them and hit up side the head with it. or if you have a pouch you can try to throw it at them but then you better run.


  1. You neglected to mention Packard's Club Snuff, aka 'the ripper' the only way to chew and pretend you're doing cocaine at the same time.

  2. aw crap youre right. see this is why you should be my editor..