Hey. has anyone seen this guy?
I feel like he was just here, telling us how some kid "has no redeeming qualities whatsoever" and listing off a bunch of things he thinks "suck" then he was gone.
I know he's not very big, but there's no way we could have just misplaced him.
I feel kind of bad because we didn't even notice he was gone until our finances were completely fucked and we had spent all our money because no one had presented us with an annotated monthly report.
When we went looking for him, all we could find was a dusty folder full of receipts, some shredded wheat that could make you "fart out of your ass all day" and the "coolest box of animal crackers ever." Other than that, nothing.
We continued our search, but we only turned up a few clues, until finally we stumbled upon his trail and set off in hot pursuit!
We were alarmed to see some ruffians trying to put him a giant sack, but we were helpless to stop them.
Later, we saw him trying to make a break for the sea, but his time in captivity had made him wary of friend and foe alike, so he scampered away from us on his nimble, deer-like feet.
Finally, we caught up with him in a distinctly un-American looking city. We approached him, eager to bring him back into our lives, to take him home where he belonged where he could once again laugh and smile and do our taxes.
However, as we drew near, we noticed something was off. The khaki pants. The sensible shoes and socks. The glasses, the polo shirt, the windbreaker, the inability to feed himself correctly! It became apparent that this guy had suffered so much duress in captivity that it had aged his mind to an advanced stage. While he still looked like our friend, he was now an old man at heart.
So, we walked away that fateful day, with a small shred of hope that our friend would return to us in his original condition.
Or, maybe, he could come back a little cooler. Like this.