Drake, eh?

Ok, so if you're a big fan of Drake, I would recommend not reading this.
Also, if you're a big fan of Drake, you should probably listen to better rap music.
Here's a start: Big K.R.I.T.- K.R.I.T. Wuz Here.

For some reason, I really dislike Drake. Like, at an almost primal level, and I don't know why. His music is far from being the worst thing I've ever heard, but it's also absolutely nothing to write home about. So, I don't know what it is, but I've got a few notions.

First, he has a terrible stage name. When I hear the name "Drake" I usually think of Sir Francis Drake, the leader of the first English circumnavigation of the globe.

Well, that or Dr. Drake Ramoray, the character played by Joey on Friends.

True, Drake's real name is Aubrey Graham, which is a, shall we say, less than inspiring name for a rhyme slinger, but it's not like being born with a lame name has stopped any other rapper from assuming a billable moniker. If you don't believe me, just ask Dennis Coles or Trevor Smith, Jr. I mean, ask Ghostface Killah or Busta Rhymes. Who needs to fall back on their lame middle name when you can just make something up that's way more awesome? And what's the problem with the name Aubrey anyways (well, besides the fact that it usually belongs to a slutty girl)?

Aubrey Huff doesn't seem to be having any trouble with the name, aside from the fact that his baseball card leads me to believe he'll break into my house and bludgeon my entire family to death in front of my eyes.

My second problem with Drake is that he's Canadian, but he doesn't seem like it. Canada is a country that has given us many things, and cool bands definitely holds a place on the "cool stuff from Canada" list, right next to Jim Carrey and defeats in the Olympics. However, Drake just doesn't seem to fit in this category.

Bands from Canada should look like this...

...or this...

...or even like this!

You just don't seem very Canadian if you look like you're wearing a Jay-Z Halloween costume.

My theory behind Drake's "Canadian-ness"? It's all about awards. In Canada, they have something called the Juno Award, which is the counterpart of the American Grammy. The Juno usually shows a bias to Canadian recording artists, and Drake won the Best New Artist in 2010. Without this Canadian edge, Drake would be just another American rapper losing the Grammy to country singer/Galifinaikis wannabe Zac Brown, whose song "Chicken Fried" has caused more aneurysms than cell phones every will.

This third point is probably the anti-Drake argument most oft repeated, but it bears a passing mentioning here.

Drake played Jimmy on Degrassi, which is pretty much a Canadia soap opera for pre-teens. I can't listen to Drake rap without his voice calling me back to episode where Jimmy takes Ritalin to get psyched up for a big junior high basketball game--and learn a very important lesson about drugs. Drake's career arc is similar to what would have happened if Ben Savage had formed a wildly successful nu-metal band.

A lot of people like to take a dig at Drake because his character was confined to a wheelchair in the later years of the series, but I don't really think it's that big of a deal.

Unfortunately, Drake can't use this to his advantage. Even in the age of the Americans With Disabilities Act, the market for "cool guys who can't use their legs" is pretty much sewn up by the hardass from Murderball.

Ok, here's my final and most trivial bone of contention with Drake. The other day I heard a song where he was talking about basketball and playing basketball and being considerably good at baskaetball, etc. Sorry, Drake, but this world only has room for two Canadians in the basketball world.

Steve Nash.

And the Toronto Raptor mascot.

If you read this far, you clearly don't have anything better to do today.

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