Tommy Bahama shorts from eBay for something like $8. I am not even sure what drove me to buy these shorts and why I even searched eBay for some. I mean I know the stereotype of men who wear sir Tommy Bahama's line of clothing. Usually they have gray hair, a beer gut, hawaiian shirts buttoned halfway up, some '5 years ago they were cool' Oakleys or gradient aviator shades, a fat stogie in their mouth, and a girl 20 years younger than himself in one arm, and a classy drink in the other. No, in case you were wondering, I don't quite fit the stereotype.
When I was looking for a pair to buy, I saw some that said they were 'made of silk'. Now say what you will, but pants made of silk sound pretty good to me. Who wouldn't want a pair of silky droors to jump into on a hot summer day and I have to tell you, they feel good. So while I was home for the 4th of July, I was wearing my Tommy Bahama shorts, just minding my own business and sure enough, my older sister saw the label on them and ridiculed me for the remainder of the time I was home. I believe her remark was something like, "Are you wearing Tommy Bahama shorts? What are you like 40?" At the time, I was quick to brush it off with some smart ass comment about her snowbank colored skin, but later on after I got back to Omaha, something struck me. Am I an old man?
Now let's break it down. Here are some things that I own/do that I have had me to being accused of being an old man:
1. My velcro sneaks from Wally World. Okay, these are some of my favorite shoes that I own. They're $10 and as comfortable as any of the Air Jordans or Sperrys I own. Even my Rainbow flip flops can't compare. I realize that they're velcro, but I've just been trying to bring them back. Does it help that I have a pair of high dollar velcros from the UK? I think that as long as I can still wipe my own ass while wearing them, I shouldn't be called grandpa.
2. My flannel 'Elmer Fudd' hunting hat and overall older looking array or wintery apparel. This hat is the warmest, most functional hat ever. Ear flaps and a bill? That's where versatility meets functionality. Yet I am accused of being an old man for wearing it. This also goes for my mad bomber hat. I also like flannels and boots in the winter time. I feel that I'm just dressing appropriately for the weather and they ask me where the lumberyard is. One arguement I may make is that flannels have become somewhat of a hipster artifact this past year or so. We're not even going to go into the 'long-johns'.
3. Sitting around the house all morning in my underwear eating cereal watching Sports Center/Andy Griffifth/Everybody Loves Raymond...Dammit...I'll come back to trying to defend this one later.
4. Using my all-black framed reading glasses while on the computer for more than 15 minutes. I actually have quite acute vision (20x20). My eyes just get a little tired from looking at screen for a little while. I can't really control this. Though my glasses are a bit old-fashioned, they once again are functional. I feel like I'm having to use that saying a lot as a bit of a cop out.
5. I smoke a tobacco from a pipe. I'm not sure if it's Gandalf's fault or just some old bastard sitting on his stoop smoking a pipe and itching his wrinkly old nuts waiting for the newspaper, but somewhere down the line it was said that old guys smoke pipes. I have come to the conclusion that it must just be one of those things you do as the older you get, the wiser you get. There's no denying that the flavor of the tobacco is at it's best smoking a pipe. Maybe these old guys know what they're doing after all.
So these are some of the reasons why I have been accused of being somewhat of an old man and part of the reason I woke up this morning and asked myself while I was watching Matlock eating Fruity Pebbles in my underwear, "Shit, am I an old man?" If these are things that make me an old man, then so be it. I'm not willing to part ways any of them. Not even my crew socks with grey toes and heels.