It Must Have Been Dark in the Closet

Disclaimer: this post is in no way meant to be offensive/derisive against homosexuals. Here at 31/Chi, we have many gay friends and we love them very much.

That being said....

Ricky Martin came out of the closet today, announcing to the world that he is, in fact, a homosexual man. In this CNN.com article, Martin states that, "I am proud to say that I am a fortunate homosexual man" and "these years in silence and reflection made me stronger and reminded me that acceptance has to come from within and that this kind of truth gives me the power to conquer emotions I didn't even know existed." Good for Ricky Martin. I can say with the utmost sincerity that I admire someone who has the brass to come into the public sphere and tell the world (who really has no right to know) that they are a gay guy.
On the other hand, however, I can't say I'm surprised.
Ricky Martin issuing a press statement to say he's gay is like Jack Nicholson holding a media junket to announce that he is, in fact, a creepy old lecher. Seriously, Ricky, you didn't think we knew, or had at least assumed, you were a homosexual?
Really, bro? Did you really need a press statement? I'd say those pants did a pretty good job of getting the "I'm a homo" point across all by themselves.

While we're on this note, I would like to point to Ricky's recent actions as another occurrence in the trend of "famous people" announcing their "coming out". I use these two phrases liberally because the individuals in question are usually C-list celebrities that everyone has assumed are gay since Day One. Here are a few examples.

31/Chi responds, "No shit?"

The world would have been more shocked if Clay Aiken had released a sex tape of him banging two or three coked up Hooter waitresses than they when he "let everyone know" that he was a homosexual. Clay, you let everyone know you were gay when you got in line at American Idol tryouts all those years ago. Also, it appears that People magazine is the periodical of choice to make your long anticipated homosexual revelation.

Back in the '80s, this dude repeatedly denied that he was gay. I guess he thought people should be more worried about the Soviets and Ronald Reagan than what he was doing when he slipped out of that silk, sequined, fur-lined jacket and sparkly pants and shook that shiny pompadour loose. Oh, and in case you're blind, Liberace really was gay.

So, yeah, these are a couple dudes that told the world they were gay only to be met with the nonplussed nod of, "Oh...ok." What I really would like to see is someone that NO ONE thought was gay coming out of the closet. I want to pick up an issue of people magazine and see someone who has been free from homosexual gossip their entire life saying, "Oh, yeah, I'm totally into dudes."

I would never suspect this guy.

Or this guy. Although it would be pretty easy to play 2,632 consecutive games when you don't have to worry about picking up chicks.

Can you imagine if The Boss turned out to be gay? That would really change the meaning of "Dancing in the Dark."

So, let this go out to the national news media: no more stories about guys coming out if they have been the butt of jokes and rumors from the second they appeared on the national radar. Or, if you must insist on letting the world know every time one of these bros "comes out," could we please get a little a balance and receive updates like "Ben Affleck is Still Straight" or "Carmelo Anthony is a Good Basketball Player"?



  1. I couldn't agree more Lightweight, perhaps the next Brookstone invention will be a gay-detector, as seen on the Office under the brand name of 'Gaydar.' Just think how many of life's baffling questions would be answered. Simply flash 'Gaydar' in front of the crotchal region of any suspected celeb and beep-beep-beep, you have an answer.

    On a related note, People Magazine can go to hell.

  2. my god, the 31st and chi media empire is growing in leaps and bounds. This new media conglomerate now offers:

    -the latest indie jams/hipster tunes/whatever the hell stronghand's taste in music could be described as

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    -and now it offers the news as well!!! I don't even need to go to another website. 31st and chi is now the only thing in my internet favorites!

    keep it up 31st and chi! and on a slightly related note, I look forward to seeing the bulleted list in the World Herald from now on. Congrats Lightweight.