- the kid wearing the Rocket Dogs
- anyone with a keffiyah on
- the guy with the Silversun Pickups shirt (bought at the show Saturday night)
- all the people in the Cheyenne, Wyoming shopping mall
- bitchy little mustaches
- tutoring middle schoolers
- posts about Raphael Saadiq
Yesterday, Patrick Swayze--actor, lover, philosopher--died after a long bout with cancer. The man who starred in classics such as Roadhouse and Point Break has left us forever, but his films remain as a testament to his ability to kick ass and live radically. However, even as Frat-rick leaves us for that big Double Deuce in the sky, the rest of us are left reeling in the wake of his departure. The charge we are left with is to find someone, a worthy successor, a new bearer of the standard that the bros of the world can rally around. I have compiled a list of candidates.
Considered a "poor man's Swayze" Kurt Russell is given the nod here due to his work in such '80s ass-kickers such as Escape From New York, Big Trouble in Little China, and Tango & Cash. He also garners recognition for his range as an actor, appearing as the titular bumbling seaman in the side-splitting Captain Ron and as American legend Herb Brooks in the uplifitng Miracle (arguably the best movie ever). The man who was Snake Plissken loses points for the dreadful Escape from LA and his equally shitty string of bonafide misses (read: Sky High, Dreamer, Poseidon)
Memorable films: Escape From New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Miracle
Memorable quote: "I don't give a fuck about your war...or your president." --Escape From New York
A likely pick, due mostly to the fact that he has worked directly with the late Swayze. In 1991, a young Keanu Reeves, fresh off his successful Bill & Ted films (arguably the greatest movies of all time) rolled onto the set of Point Break and was taken under the wing of a wizened Patrick Swayze. This tutelage was just what the former Ted 'Theodore' Logan needed to rattle off a string of beloved films such as Speed, Hard Ball, and The Replacements. Keanu's only downfall is the fact that increased adoration of him might lead some people to believe we are just really big Matrix fans. And we aren't.
Memorable films: Speed, Hard Ball, The Replacements, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.
Memorable quote: "Cool." --almost every movie he's been in
We dredge our next candidate from the B-movie cellar. Bruce Campbell, better known as Ash from Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series (possibly the best trilogy ever), was nominated due to his Swayze-esque cult appeal and the assinine levels of ridiculousness generated by his work. Awful special effects, hammy dialgogue and over-acting so cheesy it could be mistaken for nachos all come in spades when you sit down to watch Mr. Campbell as the shotgun-toting, chainsaw-handed zombie slayer of yesteryear. The downfall here is obvious: After Evil Dead, this guy had a cameo in Spider-Man 2, and that was it.
Memorable films: Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness.
Memorable quote: "Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun." --Army of Darkness
Another actor forutunate to have worked directly with Swayze( '84's Red Dawn, 88's The Outsiders) Charlie Sheen is given the tip of the hat here as much for his off-screen antics as for his theatrical accolades. The man who played Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn also claims to have banged 600 different women in his lifetime. The man who brought life to the noble Pvt. Chris Taylor also overdosed on cocaine after claiming to have become a born-again Christian. While he was starring in Young Guns (perhaps the most outstanding film of our generation) he was also dating porn stars. Sheen has tamed in recent years, though, starring in the sitcom Two and a Half Men. This leads to the question: would we be idolizing a man who no longer exists?
Memorable films: Platoon, Major League, Young Guns, Hot Shots!, Red Dawn
Memorable quotes: "We just don't add up to dry shit, King." --Platoon
Are we inciting a family feud by inlcuding both of Martin Sheen's kids on this list? Probably not, but it seemed criminal not to include Emilio on this list, in some part for the reason he had the balls to keep his 'Mexican' sounding last name. Also, Estevez bests his older brother by appearing in both Young Guns and Young Guns II as the charismatic cold-blooded killer Billy the Kid. Most important, however, is Emilio's work in The Mighty Ducks movies (THE BEST MOVIES EVER). Gordon Bombay is as much a part of my childhood as my own mother. I said it. Negatives in this situation would be the fact that Emilio Estevez kind of creeps me the fuck out.
Memorable films: The Mighty Ducks, D2: The Mighty Ducks, D3: The Mighty Ducks.
Memorable quote: "What it is, it's a loafer. And we'll call it the Air-Bombay Loafer; For kids who want to coach!" -- D2: The Mighty Ducks
The candidates are compiled. We now face the most pivotal choice of our lives.
Who is the next Alpha-Bro?
- If you want the ultimate, you've got to be willing to pay the ultimate price. It's not tragic to die doing what you love.
- All you have to do is follow 3 simple rules: one, never underestimate your opponent..expect the unexpected; two, take it outside, never start anything inside the bar unless it's absolutely necessary; and three...be nice.
- Frances. That's a real grown up name.
- C'mon! We're all going to die, die standing up!
- Sure... sure little buddy, we ain't goin' to fight anymore.
- You are a fear prisoner. Yes, you are a product of fear.
- It's amazing, Molly. The love inside, you take it with you. See ya.
The “bearded slacker” so simple that his two foremost characteristics are right there in his name. He is simply a slacker with a beard. He engages in menial employ—if any at all—, abuses alcohol and drugs, sometimes engaging in the sale of the latter, and is a bottomless dispensary of bad advice. He can often be found freeloading off the protagonist, and is the cause for much of our noble hero’s comic folly. (Cite: Dean from Extract, Clegg for Eastbound & Down, Alan from The Hangover). Generally, the bearded slacker exists in the sphere of propping up the main character by drawing “well it could be worse” comparisons.
Is this my future?
If so, I don’t as much offense to the notion as some would. True, the bearded slacker is an aimless, ambitionless, drunken mess of a drain on society, but aren’t we all from time to time? Besides, this is what the bearded slacker wants to be.
The bearded slacker is free. He may live at home or in his friend’s guest room, tend bar, do a surplus of drugs, drag down the human race, and try to make a living selling action figures on eBay, but he finds freedom in those things. These are the things he likes to do, and that’s what he does.
Cite: In Extract, there is a scene where the main character, Joel, is dealing with a workplace (read: real world) crisis, and in strolls the bearded, sport-shirted Dean who nonchalantly asks, ‘Hey, you wanna hit some golf balls, dude?’. In the middle of the weekday. This scene juxtaposes stress versus leisure.
Would anyone readily choose stress over leisure?
Of course not, but stress is the wheel that turns the machine. The bearded slacker wants nothing to do with that machine. He has turned his back on the machine and set his sights on his own pursuits. By this action, the bearded slacker has established himself as someone who has chosen an aesthetic and remained authentic, to the point of social inappropriateness.
So, if you ever come across me looking like a wreck and living in someone’s basement, just know that I’m sticking to my guns.
While You Wait For The Others - Grizzly Bear
Alice Cooper, the makeup-wearing old fart with the girl's name does not approve of Cape Cod based world poppers Vampire Weekend . Alice asked Noisecreep, "Are all American bands metro-sexual now? I heard the title Vampire Weekend and I thought, 'Oh, man, that's gonna be great. I gotta see it. And there are these guys with little Gap T-shirts on and I'm going,'What happened to the balls in rock'n'roll? Why are American bands so wimpy?'
“Children don’t grow up,
our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.”
Where the Wild Things Are was the first book I ever read on my own. Actually, I didn’t really learn to read it. I made my mom read it to me so many times that I had it memorized before I was four years old. I’m not sure when I crossed the line from just knowing the words to actually processing them, but that was where it started. When I heard they were making a movie, I hadn’t read the book in years. I went back and flipped through my tattered copy and it didn’t grab me like it used too. It was still the same story, the same wolf suit, the same mischief of one sort and another, the same wild things, but it just didn’t electrify me like it did when I was four. At twenty-one, it can’t get me like it used to get me.
“Children wake up,
hold your mistake up,
before they turn the summer into dust.”
It’s an understatement to say that I’ve changed since I was four. I’m not afraid of the dark anymore, I can cross the street by myself, and I spend a lot more money on alcohol and tobacco. I spend more time doing things I rather wouldn’t do, and less time without care; more time studying, less time on the playground. When I was four I’d read the book then go play with my GI Joes. At twenty-one I’m sure I’ll see the movie then go to the bar. Never in my life has it been more apparent that I am not a kid anymore. I’m in the most academically challenging semester of my life, I’m taking debts on my own name, and my brothers are getting married. This movie is a sudden single-lane bridge back, a bridge that goes over seventeen years of growing, seventeen years of good choices and bad decision, seventeen years that got me here, seventeen years that have me writing this.
“We’re just a million little god’s causin’ rainstorms turnin’ every good thing to rust.”
The Where the Wild Things Are movie is just another addition to what I consider the commercialization of our youth. The kids I grew up with and I have watched all the things we loved in elementary delivered to us in new media. They gave us Batman back last summer, they brought us GI Joe on the big screen two weeks ago. Now, Where the Wild Things Are. What’s next? A Where the Red Fern Grows movie? A live-action remake of Aladdin? All considered, these things are amazing, but it’s a badge of our generation that we are unwilling to let go of what we used to have. I feel like ‘going green’ is one of our hallmarks, but are we recycling to save the planet or are we recycling because we’re afraid to lose anything?
Oh Facebook. Oh how I loathe/love thee. Seems like pretty much everyone has a Fbook these days. If you don't, it's probably because of one of these reasons:
A. You are 'too kewl' aka 'suck'.
B. You have been living under a rock for the past 7 years.
C. You deleted it for whatever reason
D. Mom and Dad have fbook now.
It seems like fbook has had a lot of controversy. The latest being old people trying to figure out fbook. It seems kind of weird/creepy to me. I can understand if you have like a business or something. I guess it's not that creepy as long as you don't update your 'status' more than your own children. It's not very kewl for the tweens to get out fbook'd by ma' and pa'.
How about the photo tag thing? What's the deal with this? I feel like I want to have photos of myself having a good time with my pals up on fbook, but my school/counselor/parents/University/whomever say that I will never get a job and thus become a hobo because there is a beer in a couple pictures. That seems a little rash to me. I guess it would make sense to just 'untag' myself, right? I prolly should since my 'student orgs' get pissed if I have a beer in my hand and I'm only 20 years old. They are all, "You can't drink, you are not of age, you make us look bad." On the contrary, I feel like I would be able to make a pretty valid case that says all I have done is make your organization cooler by being in it, not necessarily because I drank a beer when I was 20, but prolly because I'm a not lame and I'm actually in student orgs and stuff. How about when ppl untag themselves from photos because they don't look good in the picture. We've all done it, everyone has been guilty of it at some point in their fbook careers. Or how about the person tags you in a photo that doesn't "flatter" you. Oh yeah, one of those guys. Then there is the person who updates their statuses to something like, "my dog died today" or even something like "get better soon mom, i hope cancer doesn't kill you." Well not quite that blatant, but you know what I mean. I mean, like what are people supposed to say to that? Is it like a rhetorical status update? I just don't think that kind of thing is appropraite for 'social networking'. God forbid actually talking to someone about that kind of thing face-to-face.
Fbook tags are an odd bit. But they are actually one of the few fbook apps that hasn't really changed much. What ever happened to the 'poke'? I guess it's still there, but it isn't really relevant anymore, is it? Does anyone actually poke anymore? Do fbookers do all those crazy apps that tell you what Harry Potter character you are, what candy bar you would be if you were candy, and what your hottness ranking is out of your friends? Is it cool to do these, or is it cooler not to? What is to be made of the 'news feed'? It's always interesting reading status updates to find out if Buddy and Shawna broke up again today or to see what people write on each other's walls, but isn't it kind of stalkerish? Plus now you can update your news feed and see stuff that happened like 30 seconds ago. Then there is always that guy who comments 10 seconds after the updated status from 30 seconds ago. Prolly the same guy who updates his 'tweetbook' 5 to 6 times daily. Cool man, I hope you don't like getting ass.
Fbook is just one of those things ya know? But do you ever sit down and think about how much time you spend on it, how dumb it really is, and how it is actually pretty creepy? Yeah, me neither.
I was already pretty excited about Kid Cudi's debut LP, "Man on the Moon: The End of Day", but now September 15 can't come fast enough. The almighty internet power that is Pitchfork has just informed me that the album will feature guest appearances by MGMT and Ratatat. I am absolutely psyched to hear these two tracks, as cross-genre collaborations are historically awesome ("Brooklyn We Go Hard", "Stronger", etc.). So mark September 15th down on your preferred method of keeping track of things.