Yesterday, Patrick Swayze--actor, lover, philosopher--died after a long bout with cancer. The man who starred in classics such as Roadhouse and Point Break has left us forever, but his films remain as a testament to his ability to kick ass and live radically. However, even as Frat-rick leaves us for that big Double Deuce in the sky, the rest of us are left reeling in the wake of his departure. The charge we are left with is to find someone, a worthy successor, a new bearer of the standard that the bros of the world can rally around. I have compiled a list of candidates.
Considered a "poor man's Swayze" Kurt Russell is given the nod here due to his work in such '80s ass-kickers such as Escape From New York, Big Trouble in Little China, and Tango & Cash. He also garners recognition for his range as an actor, appearing as the titular bumbling seaman in the side-splitting Captain Ron and as American legend Herb Brooks in the uplifitng Miracle (arguably the best movie ever). The man who was Snake Plissken loses points for the dreadful Escape from LA and his equally shitty string of bonafide misses (read: Sky High, Dreamer, Poseidon)
Memorable films: Escape From New York, Big Trouble in Little China, Miracle
Memorable quote: "I don't give a fuck about your war...or your president." --Escape From New York
A likely pick, due mostly to the fact that he has worked directly with the late Swayze. In 1991, a young Keanu Reeves, fresh off his successful Bill & Ted films (arguably the greatest movies of all time) rolled onto the set of Point Break and was taken under the wing of a wizened Patrick Swayze. This tutelage was just what the former Ted 'Theodore' Logan needed to rattle off a string of beloved films such as Speed, Hard Ball, and The Replacements. Keanu's only downfall is the fact that increased adoration of him might lead some people to believe we are just really big Matrix fans. And we aren't.
Memorable films: Speed, Hard Ball, The Replacements, Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey.
Memorable quote: "Cool." --almost every movie he's been in
We dredge our next candidate from the B-movie cellar. Bruce Campbell, better known as Ash from Sam Raimi's Evil Dead series (possibly the best trilogy ever), was nominated due to his Swayze-esque cult appeal and the assinine levels of ridiculousness generated by his work. Awful special effects, hammy dialgogue and over-acting so cheesy it could be mistaken for nachos all come in spades when you sit down to watch Mr. Campbell as the shotgun-toting, chainsaw-handed zombie slayer of yesteryear. The downfall here is obvious: After Evil Dead, this guy had a cameo in Spider-Man 2, and that was it.
Memorable films: Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness.
Memorable quote: "Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun." --Army of Darkness
Another actor forutunate to have worked directly with Swayze( '84's Red Dawn, 88's The Outsiders) Charlie Sheen is given the tip of the hat here as much for his off-screen antics as for his theatrical accolades. The man who played Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn also claims to have banged 600 different women in his lifetime. The man who brought life to the noble Pvt. Chris Taylor also overdosed on cocaine after claiming to have become a born-again Christian. While he was starring in Young Guns (perhaps the most outstanding film of our generation) he was also dating porn stars. Sheen has tamed in recent years, though, starring in the sitcom Two and a Half Men. This leads to the question: would we be idolizing a man who no longer exists?
Memorable films: Platoon, Major League, Young Guns, Hot Shots!, Red Dawn
Memorable quotes: "We just don't add up to dry shit, King." --Platoon
Are we inciting a family feud by inlcuding both of Martin Sheen's kids on this list? Probably not, but it seemed criminal not to include Emilio on this list, in some part for the reason he had the balls to keep his 'Mexican' sounding last name. Also, Estevez bests his older brother by appearing in both Young Guns and Young Guns II as the charismatic cold-blooded killer Billy the Kid. Most important, however, is Emilio's work in The Mighty Ducks movies (THE BEST MOVIES EVER). Gordon Bombay is as much a part of my childhood as my own mother. I said it. Negatives in this situation would be the fact that Emilio Estevez kind of creeps me the fuck out.
Memorable films: The Mighty Ducks, D2: The Mighty Ducks, D3: The Mighty Ducks.
Memorable quote: "What it is, it's a loafer. And we'll call it the Air-Bombay Loafer; For kids who want to coach!" -- D2: The Mighty Ducks
The candidates are compiled. We now face the most pivotal choice of our lives.
Who is the next Alpha-Bro?