This Movie Was Cool.

I'm not sure what to tell you guys about The Expendables.

As a movie, it failed to pass any test of engaging plot, developed characters, believable dialogue or even the ability to weave a discernible narrative. In fact, Incrediboy walked out of the theater saying, "What was that movie about?" So, strictly as a film, the verdict is a thumbs down.


However, despite the shortcomings as cinema, The Expendables more than qualifies as a kickass action fest. I think the average spacing between explosions and people getting shot was (on average) about 2 minutes. Totally awesome.


My other main beef with this movie is that Stone Cold Steve Austin was one of the guys. This was a total bummer. Do these writers/directors/filmmakers really expect us to be able to not root for the Texas Rattlesnake anytime he takes the silver screen? To give you a grasp how disconcerting it was to not be on S.Cold's side, here is a picture of him with only half his goatee. I shuddered.


The Expendables came through on another level as well. As a social function, this movie was top notch. Going to the midnight showing gave us an excuse to drink the heavily caffienated, heavily alcoholic Four Loko. This stuff tastes like Hawaiian Punch mixed with cough syrup and EverClear. It tastes pretty disgusting and makes you feel like you're going to fall down, both of which aren't enough reason to keep me from drinking it.


Also, it gave us a super-duper excuse to drink tiny airplane booze bottles and drop them on the floor of the theater and hear them go click-click-clack all the way down the aisle. This was a problem when I dropped one during the only quiet part of the movie.


Ok, that's it. Pretty lousy movie, pretty awesome evening.