Ronald Reagan (Ronald McDonald)

This morning I was lying on the couch in rural paradise when I had a very sudden and jarring thought. Normally, I wouldn't share this kind of thing with the world, but lately the general readership seems to have developed a distaste for my past posts (they're a lot more fun to read if you were there, I swear) so instead of going the same route as most people loosely affiliated with this blog and never (fucking ever) post anything of note again, I decided to type up this little nugget of thought. I hope it's to your liking, noble audience.

I think Ronald Reagan and Ronald McDonald are the same person.

Ronald Reagan, 40th President of the United States/Conservative Messiah
Ronald McDonald, Hamburger Shill/Clown

Now, I know this sounds a little zany, but I've been thinking about this a lot lately (full disclosure: by 'a lot lately' I mean 'during breakfast and a little bit while watching Food Network') and I think there are a few facts that stack up in my favor. Read on if you want the truth.

-McDonald's was founded in San Bernadino, California; Reagan would later become governor of California.
-Ronald McDonald's first appearance in advertising: 1963. Ronald Reagan elected governor of California: 1966.
-McDonald's HQ is located in Oak Brook, Illinois, not far from Reagan's birthplace in Tampico, Illinois.

Photographic evidence: Ronald Reagan was called "The Great Communicator." Ronald McDonald was a clown. Below we see Reagan 'clowning around' while McDonald gets on the mic and does a little communicating of his own.

You can't refute that.

Some people might take offense at this and say, "Wow, man, Ronald Reagan defeated Communism and you're going to do him like this?" To that I'll say, "Wow, man, that's true, but did you ever wonder why? Ronald Reagan was so hell-bent on bringing down the USSR?"

Then I'll give you an answer.

The Soviet Union's Communist system disallowed a lot of things: freedom of the press, freedom of the market, freedom of association and assembly, and the freedom to start McDonald's franchises.

Reagan/McDonald wanted to get into the Soviet Union and sell Big Macs to its 130 million potential customers. Communism hampered that desperate desire. The "brand loyalty" of the Soviet people was to the Hammer & Sickle, not the Golden Arches.
Reagan/McDonald wasn't having this, and with a glasnost here and a perestroika there, the Berlin Wall fell, communism collapsed and the Russian people were free to pledge their fealty to a new global superpower: McDonald's.

I suspect some type of Gorbachev/Grimace connection to this, but that's another discussion for another day.

Former Soviet leader/prominent birthmark owner Mikhail Gorbachev

Purple doorstop Grimace.

Another similarity existing between the two Ronalds is their ability to polarize people. Some people love McD's, some hate it. Some people love Ronald Reagan, some hate him. People have made movies about both of them, claiming that they harm America and it's people, specifically the poor, and that their ideas are somewhat deleterious to children. Below: a quick primer.

These kids love Ronald McDonald.

These guys love Ronald Reagan.
This guy hates Ronald McDonald


These guys hate Ronald Reagan.

Ronald McDonald made these cheap and available and it was bad for people (via drive-thru windows in suburbs).

Ronald Reagan made this cheap and available and it was bad for people (via CIA in Nicaragua).

Crazy, huh?

I think I'm onto something here. I think I'm only a few steps from blowing the lid off a huge crack rocks/Quarter Pounders/cash for guns for capitalism for McFlurrys conspiracy. Hope the CIA doesn't read our blog. I hope disgruntled readers find their appetite for non-alcohol related posts satiated. Pretty sure no one will fact check this. The internet is full of crazy stuff.