It's getting to be that time of year where everybody seems to be talking about getting ready for the "holidays." Of course, they're talking about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love both these holidays, I'll admit it. I just don't get why these two holidays are the sole recipients of the genericized nomenclature "holidays."
They're great holidays, don't get me wrong.
Who doesn't love that the Indians and pilgrims started getting along, even though the pilgrims were total dickheads? As we can see in this picture, the love affair between guys with beards and guys wearing fur vests is as old as America itself.
Or that Jesus was born in a barn before he grew up to develop a distaste for the 2010 AL Wildcard winner.
Or that an overweight cat-burglar in a red velour jumpsuit chills with a snowy Frankenstein falsely granted life by a bewitched head-piece?
Hold on, we have to take a second and talk about how messed up the above season's greeting really is. "Christmas joy warms the heart." Seriously, Santa? You're standing there with a snowman and you're advocating warming things up? That arm around Frosty's shoulders is looking less like a friendly embrace and more like a maniacal death grip from a psychopathic Kris Kringle.
Moving on, though, I have nothing against Thanksgiving and Christmas. I enjoy them quite a bit. I'm just saying that there are tons of other awesome holidays out there for us to enjoy just as much, if not more.
Like Mother's Day.
Mother's Day is basically mandated by the Bible. So, once a year, people translate "honor thy mother and thy father" into "send flowers to her work or make her breakfast." That seems like a pretty standard interpretation, and easy for most to handle. Homemade cards will also suffice. If you don't love your mom then this holiday isn't for you. Also, if you don't love your mom what kind of sick asshole are you?
A little known fact about Mother's Day that makes it all the more special for me is that the day after Mother's Day is annual Bad Mother Fucker's Day.
Shockingly, Mother's Day does not fall in Women's History Month. Must be another Hallmark conspiracy to get me to buy more cards.
Speaking of holidays that take up an entire month, let's take a look at Black History Month.
If you attended elementary school in the '90s (like I did), Black History Month was your basic primer to the lives of great African-Americans like Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Frederick Douglass and peanut whiz-kid George Washington Carver. However, there is one proponent of Black History that rarely gets mentioned.
Did you ever wonder why the Grinch hated Christmas so much? Because it was the Man's holiday.
Now, every holiday mentioned above is pretty cool, but when it comes to intensity, no holiday can match what I'm about to throw at you.
Flag Day.
I am willing to declare Flag Day the most hardcore holiday based solely on the fact that this picture is the first thing that comes up when you do a Google Image search for "flag day." Flag Day is an entire day dedicated to the American flag. That's it. It is 24 straight hours of Old Glory. That's a little under 30 minutes for each star and almost 2 hours for each stripe. Now, some people might say that this nationalist shebang in mid-June is a ramp-up to a fast approaching 4th of July, but I say no. I am pretty sure that flag day was invented by people who thought that Independence Day was getting overrun by a bunch of pussies.
To counter this problem, they established Flag Day to preempt any poser related patriotism in the following weeks. Then they ate a slab of raw beef and went out to get this tattoo.
Flag Day is so badass.
They're great holidays, don't get me wrong.
Who doesn't love that the Indians and pilgrims started getting along, even though the pilgrims were total dickheads? As we can see in this picture, the love affair between guys with beards and guys wearing fur vests is as old as America itself.
Or that Jesus was born in a barn before he grew up to develop a distaste for the 2010 AL Wildcard winner.
Or that an overweight cat-burglar in a red velour jumpsuit chills with a snowy Frankenstein falsely granted life by a bewitched head-piece?
Hold on, we have to take a second and talk about how messed up the above season's greeting really is. "Christmas joy warms the heart." Seriously, Santa? You're standing there with a snowman and you're advocating warming things up? That arm around Frosty's shoulders is looking less like a friendly embrace and more like a maniacal death grip from a psychopathic Kris Kringle.
Moving on, though, I have nothing against Thanksgiving and Christmas. I enjoy them quite a bit. I'm just saying that there are tons of other awesome holidays out there for us to enjoy just as much, if not more.
Like Mother's Day.
Mother's Day is basically mandated by the Bible. So, once a year, people translate "honor thy mother and thy father" into "send flowers to her work or make her breakfast." That seems like a pretty standard interpretation, and easy for most to handle. Homemade cards will also suffice. If you don't love your mom then this holiday isn't for you. Also, if you don't love your mom what kind of sick asshole are you?
A little known fact about Mother's Day that makes it all the more special for me is that the day after Mother's Day is annual Bad Mother Fucker's Day.
Shockingly, Mother's Day does not fall in Women's History Month. Must be another Hallmark conspiracy to get me to buy more cards.
Speaking of holidays that take up an entire month, let's take a look at Black History Month.
If you attended elementary school in the '90s (like I did), Black History Month was your basic primer to the lives of great African-Americans like Martin Luther King, Jr., Rosa Parks, Frederick Douglass and peanut whiz-kid George Washington Carver. However, there is one proponent of Black History that rarely gets mentioned.
Did you ever wonder why the Grinch hated Christmas so much? Because it was the Man's holiday.
Now, every holiday mentioned above is pretty cool, but when it comes to intensity, no holiday can match what I'm about to throw at you.
Flag Day.
I am willing to declare Flag Day the most hardcore holiday based solely on the fact that this picture is the first thing that comes up when you do a Google Image search for "flag day." Flag Day is an entire day dedicated to the American flag. That's it. It is 24 straight hours of Old Glory. That's a little under 30 minutes for each star and almost 2 hours for each stripe. Now, some people might say that this nationalist shebang in mid-June is a ramp-up to a fast approaching 4th of July, but I say no. I am pretty sure that flag day was invented by people who thought that Independence Day was getting overrun by a bunch of pussies.
To counter this problem, they established Flag Day to preempt any poser related patriotism in the following weeks. Then they ate a slab of raw beef and went out to get this tattoo.
Flag Day is so badass.
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<3 flag day
ReplyDeleteColumbus Day is also bad-ass and often discounted
ReplyDelete