I Saw a Movie This Weekend

Ben Affleck was really mad at Matt Damon for not letting him be in The Departed.

He was all like, "Seriously, man, you were in The Departed without me?"
Damon was like, "Sorry, dude."


Then Affleck was like, "We totally could have won another Oscar together, Matt. You totally screwed me over, buddy."


Affleck kind of let himself go because he was all bummed out and stuff. Then, one day, he had a glorious moment of clarity. He decided he was going to make his own kickass movie about crooks in Boston. He'd show Damon a thing or two.


He decided to call it The Town.


At first, Affleck thought that having huge eyebrows made you a great director. I mean, think about how Scorsese handled The Departed then look at those caterpillars peeking out from behind his glasses. There has to be some corollary.


Following this train of thought, Affleck went out and hired this guy.


As it is, this guy didn't know dick about movies, so Affleck took over directing responsibilities unto himself. This way, there'd be no excuses for Damon to fall back on once he was crushed!
Now, it was time to get some actors.

Matt Damon had Leo DiCaprio, famous for his roles in Titanic, The Beach, Blood Diamond, and What's Eating Gilbert Grape? (That's the name of the movie, not a real question.)


Affleck really wanted action megastar Keanu Reeves, but Keanu was too busy being totally awesome. So Affleck took out his contact lenses and went looking for the first guy who looked like a blurry Jack Traven.


So Affleck hired Jon Hamm, famous for looking nice in a suit (and kinda like Keanu Reeves) while pretending to bang gals that aren't his wife.


Kinda gross looking old guy?



Affleck says, "Check!"



There was some random lady in The Departed.


So of course Affleck had to find a random lady for his movie.
It wasn't hard; there are random ladies EVERYWHERE.
Affleck picked this one!



Affleck pondered aloud, "Who really needs Mark Wahlberg..."


"...when you can have The Hurt Locker?"


Alright, so Affleck assembled his sensational star-studded cast, put together a script with lots of Boston slang, and ran with it. And you know what? We all ended up with a pretty darn good movie.
This guy liked it!


In the end, though, I really had to sit back and think, "Ben Affleck was feeling overshadowed, underappreciated and overlooked for someone that is no more talented or handsome than he. And he made the #1 movie in America because of that. That must be how Casey Affleck feels everyday, why hasn't he made anything extremely amazing and fantastic?"


Then I remembered, "Oh yeah, he just hangs out with Joaquin Phoenix all the time." If I was hanging out with Joaquin Phoenix, I'd never get anything done either.


Joaquin Phoenix rules.
I seriously forgot what we were just talking about.