Beer Can Conspiracy Theory.

A dollar bill is a lot like a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon: there's a lot going on if you take the time to look at it.

Check it out: the dollar bill has a pyramid with an all seeing eye and an eagle holding an array of arrows and branches. The symbolism here is rich and unfathomable. It alludes to war, peace, and ancient mystic orders.


PBR has a wreath of barley, which alludes to its hoppy goodness.


The symbols on the back of the one dollar bill are associated with the Freemasons, an ancient fraternal organization who are often associated with mumblings of a dark and loathsome nature concerning a new world order and domination of conventional governments. In America, they have deified the man imaged below, as he manifests their most idealized qualities.


In America, PBR is associated with whitebread, bluecollar Midwest males whose steady diet of cabbage and ground beef leaves their tummies with rumblings of a dark and loathsome nature. The qualities glorified by these men are embodied by this guy.


Maybe there's something wild going on with other beers cans.

Perhaps that tiny, intricate cursive script is, in fact, a secret incantation dating back centuries to a dark and magical time when the King of Beers ruled a kingdom of sturm und drang through draconian severity and heavy-handedness. When read aloud, this incantation will lift the King from his resting place to lay waste to the cities of man with fire and malted grain.


Did you know you have to take an oath before you can drink a Rolling Rock?


Chew on this: if you take the mountains from the Coors Light can...


...and use them to find the waterfall from the Coors Original can...


...is that the final resting place of the Holy Grail?


Holy Schlitz! Look at this logo! Schlitz, the tasty, honest man's beer is really the scheming, evildoer bent on world domination beer! Look as their label clearly displays their desires to "tighten the belt" on the entire earth.



Miller High Life wants you to believe that you will, in fact, live the high life--and your mere beer will be transformed to lavish champagne--if you worship the moon goddess. Pagans.


The intricate pattern of swirls, spirals and eddies on this label tell you that the beer inside is no good.


If any of this is true, these guys might hold infinite knowledge about the universe and its most intricate and baroque workings.


Bob and Doug McKenzie rule the world.